King Of The Trade Machine

I Smell BS: How Can A Trade Machine Piccaso Only Get 66 Wins, Must Have Been His Blue, Not Green Period
The Pest is on vacation on beautiful Jeju Island, South Korea, and has not been posting many articles. I was however reading Bill Simmon's latest mailbag and happened upon this Q/A:

Q: Ever messed around with the NBA Trade Machine and tried to determine what trade would give the absolute highest possible increase in John Hollinger's projected wins to a team? Ultimately, I was able to add 58 projected wins to the Knicks by sacking Portland, Cleveland and the Lakers of their valuables. Please don't ask me how long that took. My challenge to you is simple: TOP THAT.
-- Jon, Edison, N.J.

SG: Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon … you made two ginormous mistakes here. First, you brazenly challenged the Picasso of the Trade Machine. Never a smart move. Second, you challenged someone whose profession allows him to waste copious amounts of time figuring out dumb things to, as you so foolishly put it, "TOP THAT." Your big mistake was not pillaging the Zombie Sonics; for my fake four-team deal, I used the Zombies, Cavaliers and Magic to "TOP THAT" and ended up adding 66 projected wins to the Knicks. Good news, Knicks fans: Not only did I get you LeBron James, Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, Jeff Green, Mo Williams, Delonte West, J.J. Hickson, Jordan Hill and Wilson Chandler on next season's team, but you're projected to go 96 and minus-14. Things are looking up! As always, never challenge the Trade Machine Picasso.

A Real Life NBA GM Making A Selection At The 2009 Draft, Not To Be Confused With Donald Sutherland Playing One, Or A Body Snatcher, On TVSomething seems off... 66 wins out of 82 and one Sports Guy talking trash? Lots of teams have won more then 66 games so it must be possible, right? I've heard SG talk about his ESPN Trade Machine prowess on many occasions, so to the trade machine I went to try and "top" Piccasso himself. In about 5-10 minutes came up with this four team/15 player gem between the Knicks, Hornets, Heat and Cavs.








http://games.espn.go.com/nba/tradeMachine?tradeId=ncecza

Here is my entry, Sports Guy, and random SG mailbag participant. A +75 win improvement making the Knicks the greatest team in history. It doesn't even matter that they're weak at center, they can play small with Beasley playing the 5 and dominate the competition as no one would possibly keep up with them.

Want to read the makings of such a master stroke? Okay... don't want to read it? Does not matter.

Step one... imagine that all the GM's in the league have been taken by aliens (Invasion Of The Body Snatchers/Simpsons aliens will do) and replaced with Isiah Thomas, Chris Wallace or a genetic FrankenGM clone of the two of them. Except the Knicks. Since they already employed Isiah they get to employ, ah, anyone. Lets say you reading this.

Then 'you' convince Cleveland to trade Lebron James, J.J. Hickson, Delonte West and Mo Williams for Cutino Mobley, Chris Duhon and Eddy Curry. 26 million. Check.

RRRAAARRRR!!! A Blood Thirsty, Meat Obsessed Member Of The Living Dead, Not To Be Confused With Cuttino Mobley In A Knicks UniformThen get on the horn with the Heat, maybe meet the Isiah Wallace splice-clone over a Scotch or two and let it drop that you think Dwayne Wade and Michael Beasley are about to bust their ACL's in a double career ending collision. Since you are good friends though (and New York will never fire a GM) you'll be happy to help him keep his job by giving him Al Harrington, Jarred Jefferies and Hinton Armstrong (who are about to blow up!!!!) in exchange for those woes. 16.4 million check.

Except those dang CBA agreements won't let this trade work. No worries. Just call up the Hornets and offer to trade Chris Paul straight up for Larry Hughes, you know, since their 13.5 and 13.6 million salaries match. Only if he agrees to send Hinton Armstrong to the Heat while giving you David West to make the whole deal work. Since New Orleans GM is actually a Zombie from Night Of The Living Dead you can win them over by throwing in a hunk of fresh meat and its all good. 13.6 million, check.

At Least You've Still Got A Virtual Crown Sports Guy... And Sexy White Nipple BumpsWhat does this tell us? The New York Knicks have nearly 60 million dollars worth of players on their team who can't play basketball all that well, or in Cutino Mobley's case can't play basketball at all. And that's before we get into Darko Milicic who's 7.5 million is not able to be traded due to CBA rules. The Knicks realistically are probably the worst run franchise in hoop and that's incredible considering that the NBA has a team named "The Clippers" on it.

It also tells us one more thing. The undisputed King Of The Trade Machine presently resides here, at fullcourtpest.com ... unless someone out there can 'top that'. +75 is getting pretty high, but can anyone push it higher? Is a perfect season possible? Take the belt below in the comments.

LayMan's Math: Wilt Chamberlain's Sexual Statistics

6 Down, 19,994 To Go! Wilt Kept Track
When Wilt Chamberlain was 55 years of age, he famously made a claim that was so absurd I'm sure you already know it. For the rock denizens (or if this was before your time) he said in all seriousness that he had bedded over twenty thousand women. Its brought up often, but lets take a moment to examine the numbers.

I'm guessing he probably didn't have sex before puberty. Lets say he 'became a man' at age 15 (before me, damn it!) and it was 20k over 40 years. That is both sensible and gives us nice round numbers.

20,000 women a year / 40 years = 500 women a year.

Since they were different women no repeats, right?
So that means...

500 women per year/365 days =1.36 women a day

24 hours a day/ 1.36 women a day = a new woman every 17.64 hours


Wilt's Bedroom: 1. Is It Possible He Made Love To 'Wilt Chamberlain' 20,000 Times Instead??? 2. Door Disclaimer Reads, A UV Light Will Blind You

Wilt Chamberlain would have had to have had sex with a new woman every 17.6 hours from the age of 15 to 55 and must have had sex countless thousands more times if he double dipped. Suffice to say, the single greatest solution to continental drought died with Wilt Chamberlain's genitals.

I'm sure Wilt had CRAZY amounts of sex. Every kind of kinky group sex you could imagine. He had a room specifically designed in his home covered in mirrors so he could see the one he truly loved when doing the deed. I don't think its possible to have that much sex when you're spending time training; Wilt was a crazy good athlete, traveling; NBA athletes spent eons on buses and planes and who knows, maybe hanging out at his mom's house for Christmas or something.

Say... he was sick for a week... I'm sure over 40 years he got food poisoning or some such ailment. That means the next week he would have to sleep with no less then 19 women between bathroom breaks to keep up. Another record Wilt would probably claim is to have spent 40 years without a single headache.
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If he was on a road trip spending one night in each city, and say that lasted two weeks, and say a family member died and he attended the funeral shortly after, and say he was only able to bag 10 new women for that month. The next month he'd need to get 66 more just to stay on pace.

I'm just trying to fathom the depravity that happened, or at least occurred in Wilt's 55 year old mind. Given that he spent large amounts of his life not having sex with women, much less new women, Wilt must have had rooms full of 20-30 women, new women, in lines and ready for 'the stilt'.

Chamberlain once recalled driving across Arizona or New Mexico and pulling his car momentarily to the side of the road presumably to take a leak. He says he was attacked by a mountain lion (he had scratches to prove it) that surprised him when it jumped on his shoulder. Wilt in all seriousness said he grabbed it by the tail, spun, and flung back into the woods from whence it came.

On Yo Knees Govna! My Mace Is Off Pace And Its Time For 'Your' Lamentation... BITCH!!!

The part he must have left out from the official story was with his bang count of new women in jeopardy, Wilt tracked the mountain lion to his den and made sweet love to the the lion's wife lest he fall behind his 20,000 pace. Maybe he managed to slip off with the sweet young lion daughter too... charmer that he was. Wilt most likely would have made a great comic book hero and/or spokemen for ASSociation of LAtex Producers (aka ASSLAP).

Back to surreality, if its a given that Wilt was having considerably less sex at the 15 and 55 year ends of the time frame, and it is a given, then that means he made up for the 500/year count in the middle. The sessions must have been truly epic. Maybe Wilt was counting all the reflections in the mirrors of his own love den. Either way, I've still got images of sesame street kids candle making, football players running through tires and scientists using pipettes on endless rows of test tubes. Its no wonder they called him "The Big Dipper"!




And just a PS FCP fans... I just realized that I've been able to work a midget into two straight articles without even trying. Can I complete the little people trifecta? Tune in next week, same bat channel, same bat time, to find out!



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