King Of The Trade Machine

I Smell BS: How Can A Trade Machine Piccaso Only Get 66 Wins, Must Have Been His Blue, Not Green Period
The Pest is on vacation on beautiful Jeju Island, South Korea, and has not been posting many articles. I was however reading Bill Simmon's latest mailbag and happened upon this Q/A:

Q: Ever messed around with the NBA Trade Machine and tried to determine what trade would give the absolute highest possible increase in John Hollinger's projected wins to a team? Ultimately, I was able to add 58 projected wins to the Knicks by sacking Portland, Cleveland and the Lakers of their valuables. Please don't ask me how long that took. My challenge to you is simple: TOP THAT.
-- Jon, Edison, N.J.

SG: Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon … you made two ginormous mistakes here. First, you brazenly challenged the Picasso of the Trade Machine. Never a smart move. Second, you challenged someone whose profession allows him to waste copious amounts of time figuring out dumb things to, as you so foolishly put it, "TOP THAT." Your big mistake was not pillaging the Zombie Sonics; for my fake four-team deal, I used the Zombies, Cavaliers and Magic to "TOP THAT" and ended up adding 66 projected wins to the Knicks. Good news, Knicks fans: Not only did I get you LeBron James, Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, Jeff Green, Mo Williams, Delonte West, J.J. Hickson, Jordan Hill and Wilson Chandler on next season's team, but you're projected to go 96 and minus-14. Things are looking up! As always, never challenge the Trade Machine Picasso.

A Real Life NBA GM Making A Selection At The 2009 Draft, Not To Be Confused With Donald Sutherland Playing One, Or A Body Snatcher, On TVSomething seems off... 66 wins out of 82 and one Sports Guy talking trash? Lots of teams have won more then 66 games so it must be possible, right? I've heard SG talk about his ESPN Trade Machine prowess on many occasions, so to the trade machine I went to try and "top" Piccasso himself. In about 5-10 minutes came up with this four team/15 player gem between the Knicks, Hornets, Heat and Cavs.








http://games.espn.go.com/nba/tradeMachine?tradeId=ncecza

Here is my entry, Sports Guy, and random SG mailbag participant. A +75 win improvement making the Knicks the greatest team in history. It doesn't even matter that they're weak at center, they can play small with Beasley playing the 5 and dominate the competition as no one would possibly keep up with them.

Want to read the makings of such a master stroke? Okay... don't want to read it? Does not matter.

Step one... imagine that all the GM's in the league have been taken by aliens (Invasion Of The Body Snatchers/Simpsons aliens will do) and replaced with Isiah Thomas, Chris Wallace or a genetic FrankenGM clone of the two of them. Except the Knicks. Since they already employed Isiah they get to employ, ah, anyone. Lets say you reading this.

Then 'you' convince Cleveland to trade Lebron James, J.J. Hickson, Delonte West and Mo Williams for Cutino Mobley, Chris Duhon and Eddy Curry. 26 million. Check.

RRRAAARRRR!!! A Blood Thirsty, Meat Obsessed Member Of The Living Dead, Not To Be Confused With Cuttino Mobley In A Knicks UniformThen get on the horn with the Heat, maybe meet the Isiah Wallace splice-clone over a Scotch or two and let it drop that you think Dwayne Wade and Michael Beasley are about to bust their ACL's in a double career ending collision. Since you are good friends though (and New York will never fire a GM) you'll be happy to help him keep his job by giving him Al Harrington, Jarred Jefferies and Hinton Armstrong (who are about to blow up!!!!) in exchange for those woes. 16.4 million check.

Except those dang CBA agreements won't let this trade work. No worries. Just call up the Hornets and offer to trade Chris Paul straight up for Larry Hughes, you know, since their 13.5 and 13.6 million salaries match. Only if he agrees to send Hinton Armstrong to the Heat while giving you David West to make the whole deal work. Since New Orleans GM is actually a Zombie from Night Of The Living Dead you can win them over by throwing in a hunk of fresh meat and its all good. 13.6 million, check.

At Least You've Still Got A Virtual Crown Sports Guy... And Sexy White Nipple BumpsWhat does this tell us? The New York Knicks have nearly 60 million dollars worth of players on their team who can't play basketball all that well, or in Cutino Mobley's case can't play basketball at all. And that's before we get into Darko Milicic who's 7.5 million is not able to be traded due to CBA rules. The Knicks realistically are probably the worst run franchise in hoop and that's incredible considering that the NBA has a team named "The Clippers" on it.

It also tells us one more thing. The undisputed King Of The Trade Machine presently resides here, at fullcourtpest.com ... unless someone out there can 'top that'. +75 is getting pretty high, but can anyone push it higher? Is a perfect season possible? Take the belt below in the comments.

LayMan's Math: Wilt Chamberlain's Sexual Statistics

6 Down, 19,994 To Go! Wilt Kept Track
When Wilt Chamberlain was 55 years of age, he famously made a claim that was so absurd I'm sure you already know it. For the rock denizens (or if this was before your time) he said in all seriousness that he had bedded over twenty thousand women. Its brought up often, but lets take a moment to examine the numbers.

I'm guessing he probably didn't have sex before puberty. Lets say he 'became a man' at age 15 (before me, damn it!) and it was 20k over 40 years. That is both sensible and gives us nice round numbers.

20,000 women a year / 40 years = 500 women a year.

Since they were different women no repeats, right?
So that means...

500 women per year/365 days =1.36 women a day

24 hours a day/ 1.36 women a day = a new woman every 17.64 hours


Wilt's Bedroom: 1. Is It Possible He Made Love To 'Wilt Chamberlain' 20,000 Times Instead??? 2. Door Disclaimer Reads, A UV Light Will Blind You

Wilt Chamberlain would have had to have had sex with a new woman every 17.6 hours from the age of 15 to 55 and must have had sex countless thousands more times if he double dipped. Suffice to say, the single greatest solution to continental drought died with Wilt Chamberlain's genitals.

I'm sure Wilt had CRAZY amounts of sex. Every kind of kinky group sex you could imagine. He had a room specifically designed in his home covered in mirrors so he could see the one he truly loved when doing the deed. I don't think its possible to have that much sex when you're spending time training; Wilt was a crazy good athlete, traveling; NBA athletes spent eons on buses and planes and who knows, maybe hanging out at his mom's house for Christmas or something.

Say... he was sick for a week... I'm sure over 40 years he got food poisoning or some such ailment. That means the next week he would have to sleep with no less then 19 women between bathroom breaks to keep up. Another record Wilt would probably claim is to have spent 40 years without a single headache.
Size Is Not Everything: Just Ask Ditya 'Romeo' Dev, The World's Smallest Bodybuilder (Note: this is must click)
If he was on a road trip spending one night in each city, and say that lasted two weeks, and say a family member died and he attended the funeral shortly after, and say he was only able to bag 10 new women for that month. The next month he'd need to get 66 more just to stay on pace.

I'm just trying to fathom the depravity that happened, or at least occurred in Wilt's 55 year old mind. Given that he spent large amounts of his life not having sex with women, much less new women, Wilt must have had rooms full of 20-30 women, new women, in lines and ready for 'the stilt'.

Chamberlain once recalled driving across Arizona or New Mexico and pulling his car momentarily to the side of the road presumably to take a leak. He says he was attacked by a mountain lion (he had scratches to prove it) that surprised him when it jumped on his shoulder. Wilt in all seriousness said he grabbed it by the tail, spun, and flung back into the woods from whence it came.

On Yo Knees Govna! My Mace Is Off Pace And Its Time For 'Your' Lamentation... BITCH!!!

The part he must have left out from the official story was with his bang count of new women in jeopardy, Wilt tracked the mountain lion to his den and made sweet love to the the lion's wife lest he fall behind his 20,000 pace. Maybe he managed to slip off with the sweet young lion daughter too... charmer that he was. Wilt most likely would have made a great comic book hero and/or spokemen for ASSociation of LAtex Producers (aka ASSLAP).

Back to surreality, if its a given that Wilt was having considerably less sex at the 15 and 55 year ends of the time frame, and it is a given, then that means he made up for the 500/year count in the middle. The sessions must have been truly epic. Maybe Wilt was counting all the reflections in the mirrors of his own love den. Either way, I've still got images of sesame street kids candle making, football players running through tires and scientists using pipettes on endless rows of test tubes. Its no wonder they called him "The Big Dipper"!




And just a PS FCP fans... I just realized that I've been able to work a midget into two straight articles without even trying. Can I complete the little people trifecta? Tune in next week, same bat channel, same bat time, to find out!



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http://www.buzzfeed.com/scott/bar-chart-famous-men-whove-slept-with-many-women 

Use male enhancement pills to become a better lover like Wilt.

Carnival Of The NBA #65

Screw The Suits, Little Man From Another Place, I've Found My Excuse To Put You In My Blog, You're A Star, That Gum You Like Is Going To Come Back Into Style, It IS!!!

Is that organ music I hear and cotton candy I smell in the land of Full Court Pest? I think so... or it could be the elephants. One thing I do know; I like David Lynch. Thus, I like things that are Lynchian. Starting off a sports blog post with a reference to Lynchianism may seem odd at first, until you realize that all things Lynch start off nonsensical eventually arriving at some point of clarity if only to make an obscure reference to something that should be less obscure. I guess what I'm trying to say is that TV suits sucked in 1992 when they ruined and canceled an unresolved Twin Peaks just as much as they sucked in 2005 when they canceled the kick ass show it influenced, Carnivale, which was also left unresolved. In reality, it just gives me context to make my obscure reference in the picture on the right. Umm.........



Welcome to Carnival(e) Of The NBA #65!

My favorite contribution is this diddy from Both Teams Played Hard comparing the NBA's progression to Chex Mix and other chips. There be wisdom in dem dere fried potatoes.

The NBA Chex Mix Rennisance

Side Note: I threw BTPH on my twitter account since I liked his article so much and saw the following two posts one after the other.

BothTeamsPlayedRT @sportsguy33 Did you ever notice that the Zoltar machine in Big looks like Hedu Turkoglu?
sportsguy33Did you ever notice that the Zoltar machine in "Big" looks like Hedu Turkoglu?
No! Don't Do It Young Tom Hanks... Sure, You'll Be Big And Still Score Like A Guard, But You'll Play D Like, Uh, An Unpluggd Zoltor Machine, AKA Hedo Turkaloo

Low class Sports Guy. Boo Hiss! Am I to believe your columns are just a culmination of fan mail with added quotation marks??? If Simmons is not going to give credit (or at least traffic) for ripping Both Teams Played Hard off for his hilarious insight, Full Court Pest will with it's second carnival(e) themed picture.

Time to pick up the pace.

NBA Database has a decent evaluation of Joe Johnson: The Most Under Rated NBA Player.
It still makes me wonder how you let Joe Johnson leave your 62 win team, or trade him for the worst NBA team's bench players. We all hate Sarver for his NBA ownership evil, yes? Its difficult for me to tell who I'd punch first or enjoy punching more: him or Clay Bennet.

Sports Agent Blog has a piece explaining Why Did Jason Thompson Pick Andre Buck. Interesting Blog with an insider feel that's just leaking out highly relevant information no one ever talks about. I checked out their First Round Break Down Of The Draft and was fascinated to get a view of the sports agent world. Just seeing who's repping who is eye opening when you consider David Falk had just as big an impact on Jordan's career as David Stern and Nike did. Great blog.

Basketball Fiend brings us The Fraternity Of Clutch comparing frat life with the best closers in the game. His ideas seem based on free thinking thoughts. ;)

A Stern Warning wrote an interesting piece on Joe Ingles, the NBA Draft And Exposure

explaining why playing in Europe may be why no-one knows who Joe Ingles is. The more coverage of Europe the better IMHO. Theres something real happening in Euroleague and I love it.

Binary Basketball feels The Role of the Point Guard in Today's NBA Era has changed over the years and makes some very strong points.

I really dug With Malice's article highlighting a bank teller guy Shaq's going to play HORSE with... the dude's oops are totally off the charts! If you have not seen the vid I advise it. Behind the back full length court perfect oop bounce passes are just that rare.

If You Don't Like This, Here Is Something You Might Like WNBA.COM

Retro Sports Talk has two great submissions showing how 2009 NBA CLASS REMINDS OF DRAFTS OF THE PAST. If you like Pete Maravich, as anyone who's a basketball fan absolutely should, then you'll also enjoy RICKY RUBIO BRINGS BACK MEMORIES OF THE PISTOL if only to watch the clips of the two and see how remarkably similar their games are. Its not just the white skin and big hair!

Draft time is always tough for Celtics fans. They missed KD and TD, but nothing is worse then Remembering Len Bias like they have to do at Celtics Green every year. Dude had sick talent and would have won multiple rings with Bird in Beantown. Cocaine is, indeed, a hell of a drug. Great clips of Bias's I'm Ready For The Pros game. If you're too young to remember Len Bias in college you should check it out. They've also got a Summer League Update.

On a more positive Celtic note, Red's Army is trying to make lemonade out of the Rondo situation. He contends that Dannys Not Trying To Trade Rondo Hes Trying To Keep Him. Red's soldier might have a pretty good point there. I love Rondo's game too and hope it works out.

In the fantasy hibernation period of the year Give Me The Rock is creating a Fantasy HOF that you can vote on. On the ballots right now are class of 2008 players: Chris Webber and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. Remember that the best pros are not the best fantasy plyaers... I like this idea lots. Yet another way to rank my guys. Your host is coming off a fantasy championship... thanks Dwight!!!

Life of a Knicks Fan submitted a post quadfecta. To Shoot or not to Shoot? deals with the perils of building your team around career chuckers and what you DO need to win. Follows it with the Knicks 2009 Draft Preview (not so easy when Stern isn't fixing the draft for you, is it knicks fans? j/k :) ). Next, The many faces of Kobe Bryant. This may or may not be due to bitterness due to the defection of ex-knicks fan, present 'Kobe Superfan', Spike Lee. (again, a joke :) ) Lastly he completes the quadfecta with Amare Vs. Bosh: The Battle Of The Not-Quite Super Stars. Lets add in Zach Randolph. Why does every forward in the league compare themselves to Bosh if they're all better then him, and then say 'go ask Chris Bosh, he'll say the same thing'? I'd like to know this as well. E for effort and good posts Knicks Fan.



A few things that are a litle dated, but I'll throw in anyway.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That, Terrence, But Barbie And Much More So Ken, Are Gay On Many Levels
Da Bears And Bulls did a Bulls Mock Draft 2009. It has a vid of NBA clip ready, Terrence Williams which is worth the price of admission alone. I have no idea whats going on in his head, but I like it (if only for selfish reasons), and look forward to being entertained by this guy for years to come.

Jojo adds his two cents to say Thank you Vinnie DelNegro for the Bulls run. Myself, I'll say thank you Derick Rose for being Derick Rose. :) Love the split pic of the Noah dunk on Pierce. Dunk of the playoffs. Best since Davis/Kirelenko especially given the context. Massive.

Nick Knows Best also adds his Reaction to Game 3 of the NBA Finals. Nick is beating his friends by one point. Go Nick! :)

Like 'what ifs' 'what ands' or 'what buts'? GeekMBA360 asks What if you have five 17-year old Kobe Bryants on your team? but I get the feeling this is a business guy promoting his blog, not a hoop fan, so he'll go to the end of the post with the rest of his ilk. Thats why its down here. Some other business blog posted Business Skills Of A Basketball Coach.html. Both are actually talking about hoop so yea, they can have a backlink but this is for NBA blogs not people masquerading as them to make money.

Last, and hopefully not least, if you are interested in reading articles of your gracious host (and still reading this one at all) I'd reccomend 12 Ways To Fake Being A Pro Basketball Expert for laughs, NBA Fan Evolution Part One: Fan Eras and Part Two: The Fan Evolves if you're into history of the game (with lots of clips), and Scoring Assist Differential - Breaking Down The Kobe Laker Era, but only if you're not a Kobe fan, as most of the cool cats of LA probably won't like it anyway. Or check out the sidebar for anything else.

And that's edition #65 of Carnival(e) of the NBA! Lots of great writing and information and links. Till the next one. Cheers!

And PS: If you've never watched Twin Peaks, you should!

If Spud Web Could Make It In The NBA You Could Be A Second Round Sleeper, Little Man. Especially In This Draft! ;) Now Dance Us Home!!!