Slap On The Wrist: Why The NBA Can't Control It's Players

Open Wide Kobe, Your Feet Are Big

Kobe just recently threw a temper tantrum after not getting the call he wanted in a game. He threw his towel. He punched his team mate Joe Smith. Then in rage called the ref a "Fucking Faggot." Was he thrown out of the game? No. If there's ever been a better example that 'respect for the game' rules are nothing more then a bunk marketing ploy designed to give already incompetent refs more control to 'enhance' the NBA via the whistle, I have not seen it.

But this article is really not about Kobe or his slur. He should have been suspended games for screaming slurs on national television. Had he called the ref a "Kike" or some other ignorant, hate filled term I'm sure this would be the result. But this article is also not about how the NBA not so secretly condones a league of ignorant homophobes.

No, this is about the league's ineffectiveness to do administrate itself in any kind of disciplinary fashion. This failure results in players/staff who do, say, and behave any way they please. It's about why this happens.

The league fined Kobe yesterday for his offence. 100,000 USD. It sounds steep for one word, even if it was hate filled and ignorant. But was it? Last year Kobe made 25 million dollars from playing basketball making the fine 1/250'th of his total salary. Did Kobe even blink when he got the fine? I doubt it considering the blatant behaviour on national television. He knows he got off easy.

The average American makes 32,000 USD per year. 1/250 of 32,000 means Kobe was fined the equivalent of 128 dollars. Lets compare this to a normal response. Isiah Washington got fired after winning awards for Gray's Anatomy. His infraction was not hate filled. There was no malice. The gay dude he was joking with was cool with it. He got fired. In reality, they fined Kobe less a speeding ticket. People still speed and players will still scream bigoted remarks in games.

That's not even the beginning of the issue. The league loves to make a show of spanking it's players over it's knee. But the fines they hand out are actually just books players can stuff down their pants. Kobe makes much more money from endorsements then from playing basketball. In 2011 Kobe is reported to be grossing upwards of 64 million dollars. 1/640'th of that went to his 'punishment'. The equivalent fine Joe Average would pay is 50 bucks, or, about what Kobe makes every 30 seconds.

When Questioned About This Enormous Yacht,
Mikel Prokorhov Did Not Even Know Where
In The World It Was. Would a 16 Cent Fine
Phase You? Think About How Absurd This Is.

It's not just Kobe though. So lets break down some recent actions by the league in it's effort to pretend like it does anything to induce good behaviour.

The League fined the Nets $50,000 for Jay-Z's contact with underclass men during the NCAA tournament. The Nets owner is an oligarch worth over 9.5 billion dollars. Yes, they fined him for 1/190,000'th of his net worth. The average American net worth is around that $32,000 mark again. So the NBA fined Mikel for roughly an average man's 16 cents. 17 cents if you round up. Why bother fining at all?

But these are just the crazy rich people, right? The exceptions? Sadly, no. JR Smith was fined $25,000 for a nasty flagrant foul. About 1/268'th of his 6.7 million dollar salary. That translates to about 120 Bucks for intentionally hitting Raja Bell in the head on a play.

25k for hitting a guy in the head? But what happens when you merely speak honestly in an interview about the officials. The guys who have been given 'more' power. Stan Van Gundy and Shaq have both received $35,000 fines merely for commenting on the mediocre job refs were doing. It's still irrelevant since Shaq is one of the richest athletes in history and at 4-5 million per SVG won't be losing much sleep.

Their idea of discipline is sending a child to a room full of toys. The only reason they do that is to look good in front of all the other parents at day care. There's little point to fines and the bigger a star/richer you are the less you have to give a damn what anyone thinks.

Shaq's Reaction To Being Fined More Then The
Average American Makes In A Whole Year. Does He Care?

The league favours stars to the point of embarrassment. Kobe punches people and uses hate speech on TV and is not even thrown out of that particular game. The league fosters an environment where players feel they are actually above the laws set up by the state as Gilbert Arenas thought it was cool to bring guns to work as a joke.

Stephen Jackson fired his piece into the air outside a strip club and Delonte West thought it was cool to just drive around with a shot gun on his motor cycle.

Is there a better way? Of course there is. Instead of fining cash amounts or simply suspending players, fine them for a percentage of their salary. Then instead of a 30k fine for talking about the refs it's only x%. Actually, lets just stop fining players for expressing their opinions. Then fine heavy when players actually do something wrong.

It's obvious the league is aware the system is not even close to working since they are the ones who sign the cheques. The players know that they're above their employers anyway with massive contracts. Want proof? Kobe just made a little over $30,000 (a third of his fine) in the short time it took me to write this article.

What Lebron Really Said After Game 6

Bron Bron Didn't Seem As Happy After Game 6
Apparently Lebron was not so silent after all. Full Court Pest took the liberty of hiring the world's foremost body language expert to decipher exactly what Lebron was getting at after Orlando's game 6 win. He was kind enough to take some time away from his CIA post to give us this world exclusive. Enjoy.

"Gratz Magic, you won, but you're not the better team. I destroyed you and everyone in the world knows it. One, two or three open shots falling that normally fall for us and you don't make the finals. So I'm not taking anything away, but I'm not walking over and saying gratz as if you're the better team.I don't care that the media is going to say you are, you're not and we both know you're damned lucky to make it past us.

As for you guys in the media, I'm not going to go up there and listen to questions about why were not good enough and aren't going to the finals. My teammates didn't hit open shots. My front office chose to save money when they could have traded Wally's contract for a true star in a buyer's market and gotten him back when he agreed to a buy out to save that team more money anyway. Which would have happened because his trade was a money dump and Wally stated he did not want to leave in no uncertain terms. We could have gotten an extra star for free, and instead we got Joe Smith for extra.

If James Sprung For Something Better Then Digital Cameras When Buying For Multimillion Dollar Athletes, Maybe They Would Have Played Better
Lastly I'm not going to slag my teammates and pretend like its really their fault that a live by the three team happened to live, cuz while the magic won, they're going to get killed in a finals match up that my team would have killed in. Even though everyone will say the Magic were the better team because that's what Stern and ABC and ESPN and TNT and the sports writers and the owners and everyone who makes money off this game wants. I don't care to say it and dance for the man. I don't believe it and I don't need it. I have my pride.

They need to say that so they make as much money as possible. I'm a player. And players don't give a damn what you say. We make our money under contract and don't need to create a false sense of accomplishment for the teams at the end to sell the finals. I don't have to recoup the millions Nike wasted from the ads pitting me and Kobe against each other. The millions they paid me to do them are in my bank account right now. I'll use the money I made in the fraction of a second I coughed on set to pay the 25k fine. They were ripping off Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carrola's Crank Yankers anyway.

Hedo Turkoglu In His Best Possible Defensive Stance vs Lebron... Or Anyone
If we played this series out 10 more times my team wins 10 times. Its the secret everyone knows but won't say. No, I'm not going to your press conference to talk about other people. I know no one has questions about me because I made sure all Lebron related questions were answered fully, in triplicate, on the court. Did you see what I did to their defense? I'm not going to let you see me defeated and make a spectacle out of Lebron James failing like you did to Dirk in 97, Kobe in 98 and Britney Spears 'come back' at the MTV awards. I'm smart enough to see a media set up coming and I'm not walking into it to give you an opportunity to mess with my head for a couple of headlines so you can sell yourself by putting your name below my picture.

You'll see us here again next year because you know and I know that I'm the future of this league. Stern knows it too and you just watch his reaction to what I'm telling you. Slap on the wrist cuz for the first time in over a decade that man knows his league is in steady, capable hands once again. I reiterate, you're not going to see me in defeat. Not on the court saying good job. Not in the press conference answering questions you already know the answers to.

These Guys Are Saying The Two Best Teams Are In.......... SHOCKING!
If you think this is anything more then a blip I have two words for you. Fuck and you. I'm not arrogant or stupid enough to tell you the truth though. And I'm not lame enough to sit there and give political answers dancing around the truth. So I'm choosing none of the above and filling in the blank with integrity. See you next year twice as hungry."

Hmm... I'm not sure if thats 'precisely' a word for word translation, and something tells me this CIA guy might have grown up in Cleveland. If you'd like to send feedback just stand next to your nearest non-suspicious looking plant and voice your opinions... his people will make sure your input will find its way to him... or you can just comment below.