10 Small Changes I'd Make If I Was Commissioner

If Whoopi Can Act, I Can Be Commish

It's a fun contest they have kids play. Be the Mayor or Chief Of Police for a day. They'll go around as everyone pretends they're in charge to humour them. In the movies they take it to the next level and the winner will start making major decisions that, by god, save the town from inevitable disaster.

So what if the job was NBA commissioner and instead of a movie it was reality? Here's what I'd do. Not reducing the schedule to 40 games. No huge changes. I've previously made lists of big ways to fix All Star, the NBA twice and the useless discipline system. These are just small changes that would be felt across the NBA.

1. Mic Players And Refs

Why Can't An NBA Player Swear
Like A Hockey Player

I want to hear everything. This really only works with the near removal of fines for things players/refs say. Is it worth it? Yes. When I watched HBO's epic series, 24/7 - The Road To The Winter Classic I was constantly thinking one of three things. First, the supreme intensity and entertainment value of hockey at it's best. Nice come back NHL. Second: what if the NBA was not so paranoid about it's image that it let the game be a man's game again. Third: what if they actually let us see that raw, real hoop at the highest level for what it was always supposed to be?

I'm sick of NBA Cares. I want trash talk and stares.

2. Get Rid Of Homer Announcers, And Loosen Up The Heavies

Reggie Kind Of Sucks At His New Job
But He's Clearly Not Being Himself

Every once in a while when you watch feeds or downloaded games, they forget to flip a switch and you catch announcers talking when they don't know it's on. It's better. They give their real opinions instead of the postured ones. Their banter is better. (Reggie warned Kevin Harlen not to give him a golden shower during one game). Their analysis is better. Let them loose off the leash. Let them be themselves.

That would improve things. Removing Homer announcers would entirely change how the game is portrayed. Homers in general suck and the Homer Booth only creates more of them when they actually take something that Stacey King says seriously while openly cheer for the Bulls. Tommy Heinsohn also deserves strong mention. Get rid of all of them and replace them with real people who actually know how to call a game. Speaking of which...

3. Hire Gus Johnson To Call Everything

Gus Isn't Screaming, He's Calling
His Own Demise... With Excitement

If Marv Albert is the greatest hoops announcer ever, then Gus is #2, except Gus is actually #1. No one. No. One. Calls an exciting game better then Gus Johnson. He elevates how the sport of basketball is perceived by a brain processing it. I've mentioned in this space before how Gus Johnson got me excited calling the ball boys wiping up sweat after a foul. I looked up fully expecting them to do something miraculous and laughed at myself.

It's time for the NBA to hire this guy to call huge games and the playoffs. Announcers are all trying to be the next Chick Hearn. "Hand down man down" pretty much means nothing and we have to get back to people who actually get into what they're watching. I don't care about how the Van Gundy brothers used to play in their driveway. Why not put Dick Vitale beside Gus Johnson? Could you imagine how much better the Bulls/Celtics classic series would have been with them? How could this not make the NBA product better?

4. Remove All Canned Music From Stadiums, Only Organs Allowed

Humber Gardens: Home Of The
Corner Brook Royals Where My Dad's
Organ Rocked Fans Into A Frenzy

When I was a child, my father would take me to see the Corner Brook Royals play hockey in my sparsely populated home town. We didn't have to pay to get in. Why? Because my dad played the organ for all the hockey games. When they won the national title in 1986, they made sure to bring him with them.

Why?

Because in sports, organs matter. To this day, 25 years later and after he passed on, people still contact me about their memories of my father. He'd get them going to another level they didn't think possible a minute before. I sat beside him seeing him work an entire stadium on a PA I still own today. He'd see that the team was sluggish and knew what songs to play to get the crowd going for one last boost in the 3'rd. Musicians feel crowds, gather their energy, and feed it back in like an amplifier circuit. The Pussycat Dolls just suck.

I remember watching MJ, Reggie et al do some of their most amazing feats without fireworks or the latest pop sensation playing on speakers while the game was on. NYC still has that organ and I noticed it like an old friend I hadn't seen in a decade these past playoffs. It's still awesome and rockin MSG. Everyone agrees so I'd put them everywhere. Thanks for the memories Dad! Organs matter.

5.Buy The NBA On NBC Theme Song

It's just better. Yes, it was written by an enormous douche John Tesh, yes, he spent years wasting a nation's brain cells on Entertainment Tonight, but we'll give him this, he wrote the best sports theme song ever. So just shell out NBA, spend what it takes. Get the theme song from NBC and force everyone to use it. It's called branding and unfortunately you sold out the guys who branded the NBA better then anyone to ABC's Survivor money. It's not too late though and everything has it's price. Get the song and every opening to every game is instantly better. Fact.

Watch The 2009 ABC Finals Intro With
Roundball Rock And No Editing: Amazing!

6. One Ring To Rule Them All

Or one ring of announcers? Just out-right hire the announcers and broadcast staff from all the networks. Take some control over how the NBA product is packaged and published. Why are we listening to Magic say just about nothing in the NBA finals when TNT's crew is so much better? It's silly we listen to Mark Jackson when Marv Albert is alive. Just find a way so that the best people covering the game are there when it matters. Make it part of the TV contracts that networks have to share guys and make the best product possible for the good of all.

7. Let The Refs Give Interviews

If Refs Could Explain This Conversation Maybe
People Could Understand Why Their Horrible
Calls Ruin Games Instead Of Judge Them For It

Of all the baffling rules the NBA has this is the cake. Why not let officials give interviews after games? I'm sure they're grown men who won't buckle under the pressure and embarrass the league... the players do a good enough job of that. If a ref made a bad call he can explain what happened and 9 times out of 10 it's going to make sense. Let them defend themselves instead of just getting killed in the press along with the NBA's image. If they can just explain the thought processes maybe people will understand more. Ref's will also instinctively be more motivated to get calls right if they know they have to explain themselves after. It's just so black and white.


8. Provide Better Stats

If Derek Fisher Leads
The League In Charges For The
10'th Time And There's No
Stats, Does Anyone Care?

The work for many unpublished stats is already done and sitting in the NBA's databases. All they need to do is release it. Not even release, they just need to display it. Use it.

Take drawn charges. We see them in the play by play, but you have to go to hoopdata.com for a list of leaders. There's a plethora of other stats that are MIA. Quarterly stats? Open shot percentage? Shot contests? Hockey assists? All these things invariably matter but the NBA just doesn't seem bothered to acknowledge, record and publish the information.

When they do, it's going to look quite stupid in years to come, much like not having the shot blocking numbers from Bill Russell or Wilt's career looks today.

It's not from a lack of interest. It's not from a lack of resources to do these tasks. If some behaviour on a basketball court helps teams win and can be quantified, we should have stats on it. Derek Fisher gets almost 0 love from a statistical ranking because he does things that don't go in box scores. He's maybe the best player in the league over the past 10 years at something very important but is just seen as a role player.


9. Add A 4 Point Line

Why not? If you hit a shot from behind half court or even 35 feet it should be worth more simply because it's exponentially harder. It's more spectacular. As I see it, anything that helps a desperate team get back in it when they are on the ropes should be a go. Could you imagine how intense a 5 point play would be to swing a game?

When I went to ABA games in Halifax they had a great rule. Force a TO in the back court and a light went on. If you made the basket on the ensuing possession you got an extra point. Leads were not as safe and players D'ed up to win because even if they were down 10 points, they knew they were in it. Desperation creates drama.

10. Make The Court Bigger

They Dropped The Cages, Why Keep The Floor?

I'm a little surprised this has never been experimented with before. The court is not designed with a specific purpose. It's an arbitrary 50 feet wide. Even if there was a method to this it's long since become irrelevant. Players have become incredibly bigger, stronger and faster. The space may have been good for people with peach baskets, maybe it even suited the guys in the 50's, but for much too long the game has been cramped into either end of the court.

When the NBA adopted the 3 point line in 1980 rather then sensibly widen the court since players would now be spaced out more they shortened the line on the sides. The result: players have 3 feet on either side of the court to work in. Why? Is this better? The elite athletes of the NBA can cover this distance in 2-3 steps. They never really get a chance to get going in any half-court set slowing down the action and making it easier for weaker athletes to defend. Not even to mention, this style of play is largely responsible for so many injuries that hamper the marketability of the game.

Widening the court will give players more room to operate and open things up for the most athletic/talented players. It creates an all around more exciting experience. Instead of getting trapped in the corner we'll see split double teams and widened passing/attacking lanes for better ball movement and so many more vicious assaults on the rim.

Of course. this is not the movies, and I'll never be commish of the NBA, but it does not stop me from playing the what if game. I still often wonder why the NBA is so reluctant to experiment with even minute changes to improve things for all. David Stern loves to talk about the tradition of the game, but in reality I think he's just a pretty unimaginative guy who's more about the NBA's books then the game itself. The only change he's gone after, The New Ball, blew up in his face because it was actually just a marketing gimmick they'd put no thought into.

Bad Movie, Good Idea

It's likely to never happen, but I've never understood why teams, owners and the league office are so bloody content when they are sitting on such a base of talent. Why not shake things up a little and make some harmless changes? Why not have a commish for a day contest? Haven't they ever seen Little Big League?

Slap On The Wrist: Why The NBA Can't Control It's Players

Open Wide Kobe, Your Feet Are Big

Kobe just recently threw a temper tantrum after not getting the call he wanted in a game. He threw his towel. He punched his team mate Joe Smith. Then in rage called the ref a "Fucking Faggot." Was he thrown out of the game? No. If there's ever been a better example that 'respect for the game' rules are nothing more then a bunk marketing ploy designed to give already incompetent refs more control to 'enhance' the NBA via the whistle, I have not seen it.

But this article is really not about Kobe or his slur. He should have been suspended games for screaming slurs on national television. Had he called the ref a "Kike" or some other ignorant, hate filled term I'm sure this would be the result. But this article is also not about how the NBA not so secretly condones a league of ignorant homophobes.

No, this is about the league's ineffectiveness to do administrate itself in any kind of disciplinary fashion. This failure results in players/staff who do, say, and behave any way they please. It's about why this happens.

The league fined Kobe yesterday for his offence. 100,000 USD. It sounds steep for one word, even if it was hate filled and ignorant. But was it? Last year Kobe made 25 million dollars from playing basketball making the fine 1/250'th of his total salary. Did Kobe even blink when he got the fine? I doubt it considering the blatant behaviour on national television. He knows he got off easy.

The average American makes 32,000 USD per year. 1/250 of 32,000 means Kobe was fined the equivalent of 128 dollars. Lets compare this to a normal response. Isiah Washington got fired after winning awards for Gray's Anatomy. His infraction was not hate filled. There was no malice. The gay dude he was joking with was cool with it. He got fired. In reality, they fined Kobe less a speeding ticket. People still speed and players will still scream bigoted remarks in games.

That's not even the beginning of the issue. The league loves to make a show of spanking it's players over it's knee. But the fines they hand out are actually just books players can stuff down their pants. Kobe makes much more money from endorsements then from playing basketball. In 2011 Kobe is reported to be grossing upwards of 64 million dollars. 1/640'th of that went to his 'punishment'. The equivalent fine Joe Average would pay is 50 bucks, or, about what Kobe makes every 30 seconds.

When Questioned About This Enormous Yacht,
Mikel Prokorhov Did Not Even Know Where
In The World It Was. Would a 16 Cent Fine
Phase You? Think About How Absurd This Is.

It's not just Kobe though. So lets break down some recent actions by the league in it's effort to pretend like it does anything to induce good behaviour.

The League fined the Nets $50,000 for Jay-Z's contact with underclass men during the NCAA tournament. The Nets owner is an oligarch worth over 9.5 billion dollars. Yes, they fined him for 1/190,000'th of his net worth. The average American net worth is around that $32,000 mark again. So the NBA fined Mikel for roughly an average man's 16 cents. 17 cents if you round up. Why bother fining at all?

But these are just the crazy rich people, right? The exceptions? Sadly, no. JR Smith was fined $25,000 for a nasty flagrant foul. About 1/268'th of his 6.7 million dollar salary. That translates to about 120 Bucks for intentionally hitting Raja Bell in the head on a play.

25k for hitting a guy in the head? But what happens when you merely speak honestly in an interview about the officials. The guys who have been given 'more' power. Stan Van Gundy and Shaq have both received $35,000 fines merely for commenting on the mediocre job refs were doing. It's still irrelevant since Shaq is one of the richest athletes in history and at 4-5 million per SVG won't be losing much sleep.

Their idea of discipline is sending a child to a room full of toys. The only reason they do that is to look good in front of all the other parents at day care. There's little point to fines and the bigger a star/richer you are the less you have to give a damn what anyone thinks.

Shaq's Reaction To Being Fined More Then The
Average American Makes In A Whole Year. Does He Care?

The league favours stars to the point of embarrassment. Kobe punches people and uses hate speech on TV and is not even thrown out of that particular game. The league fosters an environment where players feel they are actually above the laws set up by the state as Gilbert Arenas thought it was cool to bring guns to work as a joke.

Stephen Jackson fired his piece into the air outside a strip club and Delonte West thought it was cool to just drive around with a shot gun on his motor cycle.

Is there a better way? Of course there is. Instead of fining cash amounts or simply suspending players, fine them for a percentage of their salary. Then instead of a 30k fine for talking about the refs it's only x%. Actually, lets just stop fining players for expressing their opinions. Then fine heavy when players actually do something wrong.

It's obvious the league is aware the system is not even close to working since they are the ones who sign the cheques. The players know that they're above their employers anyway with massive contracts. Want proof? Kobe just made a little over $30,000 (a third of his fine) in the short time it took me to write this article.

Pennyroyal “T”

By Jeremy Graham

If Sheed Was Anything, He Was Great For
Basketball: Stern's New Rules Would Have
Robbed Us Of The Entire Sheed Experience

“Don’t go away mad, just go away!” Oh wait, don’t go away either. You just might get T’d up for it. I know, act like a robot. That seems to be the only way to not get a technical foul in today’s NBA. But what happens if the referee thinks that acting like a robot is disrespectful to the game? Well then you are screwed. Don’t you think that suppressing your emotions and acting like a robot is disrespecting the game? I think it is. These men have played basketball their entire lives. They have given their sweat, blood and tears for it and now have a corporate “fat cat” telling them they cant even express themselves in a time of frustration. How wack is that?

Human emotion is the driving force in human beings. It's simple: they have led to bloody confrontations that have taken many lives. Now in “the heat of the battle” you want these men to suppress human emotion with only a split second to think. It can't be done. I am not talking about allowing the players to complain and complain like they have previously but a player should be able to show frustration, anger and a little bit of passion without facing a technical foul and a fine.

How Exactly Is Hiring Strippers To Get Down To
Their Underwear "Respecting The Game" David?
Or Is It Really Just A Respect For The Coffers Rule?

Just the other night Nate Robinson got a tech for merely hanging his head... the worst I have ever seen. Worst tech call I should say. It is up there with Duncan in 07 getting ejected for laughing on the bench. Lets break it down: Nate had just checked into the game and on the first play he fouled a cold jump shooter in Eddie House sending him to the line. A terrible way to entrance and Nate knew it. He hung his head in "self" disappointment he was immediately called for a tech.

He didn't approach the referee. He didn't say anything. Just completely and utterly disappointed in himself because he let his team down. For that he receives a tech plus fine and gives the other team an additional point with the ball. This could have proven costly to the Celtics had the Heat not stunk it up. Not only was the call terrible, the referees swallowed their whistles in the same game when Lebron was much more vocal. Reggie and the booth did not seem too happy with the call and were themselves vocal on the broadcast.

Do I think players should be given free reign on complaining and crying to refs? Absolutely not! This league is full of primma donnas. The new rule could be great for the league if used properly. The respect for the game rule should only come into play when a player vocally challenges the ref about the call in question. I am all for open dialogue between zebras and players about calls as long as the talk is civil. If a player comes whining, actually showing disrespect, rather then asking why, then go ahead and T up the whiney baby.

Another Way To Respect The
Game: Steal The Team Of A
Dedicated Fan Base And Give
It To A Friend For His City

There is no disrespect in asking a ref why he called what he did, and there is no disrespect in being frustrated with a call or upset with yourself. I know the refs like to take over games and become the focal point but even they can’t be happy with handing out T’s like they were prophylactics in the armed services circa 1944.

The only person disrespecting the game right now is David Stern. Instituting these, for lack of a better term, wussy rules is ruining the game that everyone knew and
loved. Calling techs, slowing the game down, having players shoot even more free throws is no way to create more fans. It could even turn the die hard fans away from the game. There is a reason that people hate the end of close basketball games. No one wants to watch free throw after free throw, it can be a grind.

Animated players are rather entertaining however and anything is better than free throws. Could you imagine if these rules were around with Dennis Rodman? We would have probably missed the career of the greatest rebounder ever because he would be getting ejected from every game due to his antics. If David Stern truly loves this league and the game of basketball he will do away with this rule ASAP and instead of trying to squash players pointing out how much refs stink, maybe make some rules that actually improve their performance instead of merely hide reactions to it.

Fix NBA All Star In 10 Easy Steps

Jerry Vision turned off is still more exciting then
most of All Star Weekend

NBA All Star Weekend, bar none, was the best of it's kind in sports. Key word: was. Even with 108,713 fans in Dallas, the mid-season event was anything but classic. It seems wasted potential is now an NBA staple. The slam dunk contest was one of the most anticipated events of the year and it did deliver. It all delivered. Announcers last Sunday had so little to talk about Jerry Vision was often taking center stage. Watching a enormous screen on a little screen at home.

So what's wrong? Plenty. Can it be fixed? Absolutely! 10 sure fire (and simple) ways to instantly return all star to something meaningful, as follows.




1. Change The CBA

The easiest fix of them all! With the Collective Bargaining Agreement about to be renegotiated it's time they addressed something besides money. If the CBA makes the game easier to promote there will be more money for all. Right?

Players are required to take part in NBA Cares and a platitude of other events so just get rid of 'invitations' and make participation in all star events mandatory. If the NBA is picking it's most electric stars to compete those guys are heading to all star anyway: time off is a non-factor.

Fans watch the NBA because they want to see the highest level of competition. No one tuned in to see Gerald Wallace make an uncontested ally oop dunk. I want to see the best shooters alive, not Daquan Cook. I want to see players with pride on the line in HORSE. Lebron vs Kobe vs Durant vs Wade would deliver entertainment Omri Caspi just can't bring to the table.


2. Jocks Are Pretty Stupid, Get Off The Mic

This is spontaneous and awesome. More!

Most players are in reality pretty dull people. If someone like Shaq or Dwight are entertaining, by all means highlight them and let them speak to the fans. Giving Shaq his own dance with the Jabberwokkeez in Phoenix is one of the best all star moments ever. But why spend time interviewing someone with softball questions about their 'strategy' before a shootout? No one wants to hear an athlete stammer through a few sentences trying to find a colorful way to say "I'm going to try and make more shots then the other guy."








Fans want action. We tune in to watch stars 'play

This is not spontaneous, or awesome. Less! NONE!
Just Spare Us!

sports'. That's why they are called 'players' not actors. If I wanted to hear someone speak I'll watch actors who are paid million to speak. Past contests with multiple rounds/competitors have been traded in for talking heads standing around mumbling players waiting for something to happen. Players get crazy, grab the mic or yell into a camera and that's cool because it's spontaneous. The NBA needs to ditch obligatory stadium speaker interviews. They suck. It's staged. No one cares. It drags everything down.






3. How To Fix Horse

If the NBA introduces competitions as a TNT
joke, how can it entice serious players to
compete?

Getting rid of the ultra-stupid G.E.I.C.O. format was a tiny first step, but this could easily be the crown jewel of all professional All Star events. For two years it's been more boring then 3 ball. The NBA got so much wrong I need a bullet list just to keep it organized.

• Step one means players we actually want to see compete. Lebron vs Kobe makes this a real competition and electric because they will NOT want to lose. They have pride. HORSE just became 500% better, instantly.
• Allow dunks already! Who cares if not everyone can dunk. This is the highest level of competition and if you can't dunk, you lose HORSE. NBA players do not need to be protected by no dunk rules.
• Open the competition up to allow one fan to participate. This guy can play. This guy can own. So why not let the fans root for him? How entertaining would it be for an Average Joe to make the NBA's biggest stars sweat before they shoot him out?
• DITCH THE REF! HORSE is not a game you need a ref for. It's a game you play with your friends in a drive way. If someone tries to cheat it can easily be judged by the group. A player stagnantly informing the ref of his shot is not natural or how it's played at all.
• Get rid of unnecessary replay. I just don't need to see a guy miss a lame attempt 4 times. HORSE is fun because it's quick and people try all kinds of crazy novelty shots. If there is any more then 20-30 seconds between attempts, it drags and gets totally dull. If something is crazy enough to warrant replay the crowd and player reactions will create enough time to show them.
• Get Chuck, Kenny and EJ off the floor. Those guys are great in a studio but they are destroying HORSE. They totally interrupt the flow with their irrelevant banter. The past two contests were more about them taking jabs then the athletes competing. They distract the players, they distract the fans, they delay the competition to make yet another fat joke about Barkley.
• Get rid of the mics entirely. Again, athletes are not talkers. They are totally comfortable playing in front of 1,000's but you can sense stiffness and stage fright when their words are booming out to 100,000 plus fans and on TV's across the world. With the mics off, they'll feel comfortable talking trash, laughing and reacting to player's crazy shots. I don't need to hear a stupid interview after every dunk.
• Host HORSE in the main stadium already. What's the point of outside or a separate stadium? A lame 'play ground' feel? Who cares? I want fans cheering like crazy and amping the players up to go for it the same way they used to in the dunk contests.



Maybe The TNT Guys Are Just Getting A Little Too Greedy?
Or Maybe I'm A Little Full On Corny Fat Jokes. They Have
Ruined HORSE for two straight years. STOP!




• Scratch the Shoot Out. As Barkley pointed out, it's hardly even fair, and it's not HORSE.

What do you know, you can have 5 or 6 players competing instead of just 3 when you remove the crap. They used an extra difficult shot to give everyone an H at the start and cut the end with a shootout to fit in boring interviews, banter and replays. It should not take 5 minutes to get through one round of HORSE. Let 6 players can go for it. They call their own shots, talk trash and stick their chests out. No filler. It's like the NBA just doesn't want this to work.



4. Get Some Cool Entertainment

Usher? Really? Look, I understand that teen aged girls drive the popular music market, and I'm sure some focus group may say he's a great choice, but common sense must at some point prevail.

The White Stripes should have been
asked to perform on the strength of
Meg's glorious bouncing rack alone

USHER SUCKS!!!

Some artists sell lots of records but indeed eternally suck. Why are the Pussycat Dolls introducing NBA games? How is it possible I can reference the Pussycat Dolls in a sports blog at all? Is it not possible to get an artist who is popular with more then one age demographic? Maybe they don't have a hit song in the last week, but everyone still loves them? And maybe they've got some stage presence?


How can someone realistically think that Usher would be a better choice then say, The White Stripes? The Red Hot Chilie Peppers? Or U2? (I even hate U2 but they aren't Usher) Are there not 1,000 better choices then a dumb ass chick wearing a bear suit in a cage? If you're going to have soft-core porn why not just hire Jenna Jamison to sit in a cage? Can't the NBA on ABC license Roundball Rock from NBC just for the good of sports in general? How is it possible John Tesh can be cooler then anyone? Yet... he is.




5. Tell Players To Stop Shooting


Not a rule, but a primer. A pep talk. Before the 4'th quarter, if a play you make is not going to be spectacular, pass the ball. It took a whole half before players started going for it. We don't want pull up jumpers. We want the Harlem Globetrotters. The rookie game was factually better then the allstar game. The Mcdonalds High School All American game was more entertaining. Why make safe plays in an all star game? Deron Williams, Wade, Lebron and Howard were the only guys to even try flashy moves.


Not that shooting a 3 is bad... if you're Dwight Howard, that's awesome. If it's from 35 feet, great! If you make a few and want to get people excited by hitting 10 in a row, uber cool. Just be special. I'd rather see 1 made ally oop off the glass out of 10 attempts then 20 made jumpers from the elbow.

Have point guards post up centers, have centers run the point. If your game is defense offensive players should try to dunk on your head every time while they try to get a monster block on every attempt. Just for the sake of drama. Make it fun! Only a handful of players even got the point on Sunday.


6. Select Stars Based On Projected All Star Results

This is what an application to play in the
All Star game should look like

Sorry Chris Kaman, you're a really good player, but you're not an All Star. Shaq, Vince Carter... you're all stars and I want to watch you. Every year you can drag your sorry aging asses through the game. Why is David Lee playing? Big Daddy's personality was engineered in a lab for this. Vince Carter, while a questionable teammate, is nearly the greatest All Star player in history. He created the big moments that made past games memorable. Why is he not making dunks off the backboard and tea-bagging French dudes every single year?


The NBA talks up it's product and entertainment constantly yet is obsessed with rewarding players based on team performance and merit? If David Lee is great on a 19 or 60 win team, Shaq will provide about 50 more superior moments then Lee so he should be there. He's a star among stars and David Lee is not. It's that simple.

So let fans vote in the starters. Lee out. Shaq in. Entertainment WAY UP!

7. Fix The Dunk Contest

Fixing the CBA will do the heavy lifting here again. Nate Robinson, who has dunked 3 times all year in games, has won 3 dunk titles. Not to take it away from him, but it's obvious this is not a contest if no one worthy competes. The fixes for HORSE also apply. The dunk contest has gone from guys in jersey's creating excitement to people in suits pretending to be excited. Once the boring filler is removed and the best athletes in the game are in the contest we have more room for things we actually find entertaining.

Robbed! How Can You Not Advance That Grin?

Return to 3 rounds so it's harder to win. The judges jobbed Dwight Howard's underrated sticker dunk because only two could advance. A middle round ensures that only a true failure/mistake will bump you. Let contestants dunk 3 times taking the best two. I also prefer the old school rule of 2 attempts preventing embarrassments like Birdman and Nate Robinson's 100 attempts each on dunks they can't really complete. The fact that Nate beat Igudola after his million attempts is a failure of the system, not the players.


Lastly any foul line dunk attempts inside the foul line gets an automatic 25. It's the most overdone dunk in history. It has to go. Does anyone truly get excited anymore when they go to the back corner? Yet another imitator to jump inside the line coming up. Every time: FAIL!


8. Fix The 3 Point Contest


This should have been the field this year.


Ray Allen
Stephen Curry (the only one who should have been there)
Jason Kappano
Anthony Morrow
Danial Gibson
Arron Affallo
Gilbert Arenas (best shot in the league! snicker!)


Make room for a star or two who wants to prove they can shoot like James or Kobe. The best shooters showcasing the league's talent. People who don't watch hoop watch this contest and when they see someone clang over half their shots what's going to make them watch more? A Craig Sager interview with the guy to miss the least? Sorry, won't work.

Hmm... on that note:


9. Fire Craig Sager

How Can This Man Be Hired To
Do Anything Dressed Like That??

This man has got to go. Or fire his mom as head of wardrobe. It's must end. My girlfriend is chinese and while she speaks great English she sometimes will say something like "Were you disappointing with that All Star game?"


Sager asked if Kobe was "disappointing" being hurt for the ASG. But he's a native english speaker! The man has a little Forest Gump in him. Look NBA, ABC kicked NBC's ass and used it's Survivor money to outbid them for NBA rights. We know. At some point you have to realize NBC did a kick ass job of promoting hoop. Sometimes it's good to ignore the bottom line. Highlights were better. Intros amped us up. They covered better and more games and they didn't hire people who can't speak English or make a fool out of themselves every night with their clothing.


Craig Sager has become a personification of all that is the NBA on ABC. A lot of non-memorable cliches dressed up in a cheap suit. Fire Craig Sager, fix the NBA.



10. Fix The Voting Process


Mark Stein writes a yearly column justifying the all-star ballot committee's failures and justifying why deserving players don't make it. He actually writes it before the season starts as that's when the ballot is made. Why? Because they make the ballot before a single game is played. One year Marbury was on the ballot without playing a single game for the Knicks because he 'might' have been all-star worthy in February.

Question: Sound stupid? Maybe not in 1970 when it took time and money to print, distribute, collect and count votes... but that was 40 years ago. I don't use a telegram when I have a cellphone in my pocket. Conclusion: it is stupid.

Message to NBA: save a tree! In 2010 (as in 2000 for that matter) voting should be done online and fans should be able to select any player. What is the point of paper ballots in an arena when fans are txting which 4 year old they think did the best silly dance in the half time show? The impetus for ballots has vanished like your season ticket revenues. Use technology, open the ballot to all the players, save money, improve all-star weekend. It makes my brain bleed.

Even With A Stadium Like This, With The Largest
Crowd In History, This Was The Worst All Star
Weekend I May Have Ever Seen

This past weekend, if anything, is a textbook example of trying too hard. From the attendance record, to Jerry Vision to Sager's suit. The NBA, and ABC, just has to realize that their main product is not in their studios but is on the court. That's why players make millions of dollars: we want to see 'them'. Step back. Let the game market itself. Let it be what it is without the bear suits and glam. Give us what we want. Give us basketball. Not tivo fodder.





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NBA Replay: The WWE Defense

I Bet Kramer Wishes Cell Phone Replay Was Run By The NBA
Video replay has been near instant for decades. Why is it used so infrequently? It seems rule changes are only in response to glaring errors the year before. Two years ago, Chauncy Billups scored well after time had expired but won the game anyway because of a clock error. The NBA responded with replay to check last second shots. A year late, but good job, right? I'm not so sure.

If the goal of the NBA was to ensure the best officiating possible, with the best calls being made, they would form an investigative team mandated with the improvement the game. Now, they have a team, but they only pretend to do this, check the crack squad's results:

Officials may use replay to check...

1. Was a shot/foul taken/committed before/after the shot clock expired.

2. Who touched the ball before it went out of bounds, in the last 2 minutes.

10 NBA elites; that's all they can conjure!? The Billups shot could have been avoided in the first place. Take the common functioning replay/time rules trialed and tested in college/FIBA. Apply it. Simple, right? It should have already been in place for decades due to the duh factor. Instead we have a committee who's most visible action is inaction.

Ben Aflek Is Screaming: "NO ONE'S REVIEWS CAN BE WORSE THEM MINE! STOP!Block/charge calls still can never be reviewed despite it being the most difficult call in sports. Potentially the most damaging to a team as well. Presumably game flow is the concern.

But broadcast crews have the play up and examined most times before the foul is even fully communicated to the scorer's table. Why can't the NBA have thier own review crew. Its not more then the time it takes for someone to walk to the free throw line to verify a call. If the right call is made no interruption takes place.

Why not let ref's call for replay when they are not sure what happened? It could be as simple as a ref clicking a 'Review Button' on his belt with a Replay Crew responding to his request. Right now when ref's miss a call they confer on the court to make a proverbial coin flip, interrupting the flow of the game. A quick word from a replay booth is, in fact, much more efficient.

What's Really Happening

Peering through the Replay Committee's veneer you see grainy marketing. Fan confidence has dipped so low the NBA is forced to show fans it's trying. You must ask, why use replay for so little and only in the last two minutes? Fixing games in crunch time draws scrutiny. Call two quick fouls on the other team's best defender in the first period. Two at the start of the second. "Wow, the refs are really taking control tonight" chirp announcers. Its just a role player, so no complaints. Then foul in the 3'rd will become "he's just not playing smart tonight" and by the 4'th the game is has been fixed. Outcomes are routinely determined by fouls because the best players of one team don't play. Duncan shooting 75% won't matter if the other starters aren't on the floor. Maybe they laughed!

Flip flop 'tradition' excuses don't hold water either. 40's-50's Hoop lacked replay because it wasn't instant: most games were not even taped. Bad calls are not part of a grand tradition... we just hadn't invented 'the television'. Since we did the NBA has adopted technology in every aspect of the game except officiating. They're just now checking the time on a last shot when I can use a pocket device to record the play so someone in Zimbabwe can say "bad call" before the commercial break. Its senseless. So, why?

The league likes black leather and whips, that's why. They blocked Tim Donaghy's book because they don't want their sticky garments aired in public... it has little to do with veracity. Star promotion via officiating is illegal (fraud) and if confirmed it will be a larger scandal then Donaghy. Illegal activities by some of the richest men in the world is naughty. So the NBA joined the "Entertainment Industry". Remember kids:

When In Doubt, Emulate WWE


Would The NBA Be Better Or Worse With Chair Shots? I Think We All Know The Answer And The Refs Are Already Trained... Bring Back The Cages, Throw In The Chairs!

Look no further. The most openly fraudulent sporting org in the world has the answer. Counter cheating with the "WWE Defense". Watch as countless refs are 'distracted' and 'don't see' the guy's head connecting with a steel chair. That means it didn't happen, right?

The Media is not allowed ref access to press them about calls, they'd crack under the pressure, so the NBA uses the WWE defense in their name. "Oh, the Ref just didn't see it. The player/team is whining so we are going to fine them $30,000 to shut them up. We have the best referees in the world! Our first party investigation says so." It's worked well. for the first 60 years of the league.

Replay guts the WWE's marketing, and the WWE defense, and likewise the NBA. WWE does not have replay because they know their matches are manipulated. Instead of blaming a ref who didn't see Kobe hit Lebron with a steel chair, we will know a replay crew, with a rewind button and angles, intentionally botched the call. Because it's obvious, they won't botch them, because they'll be found out. People knowing this, and seeing bad calls fixed regularly, will immediately put their faith back in the game and trust the NBA is doing their best to ensure honest competition. If the WWE started using legit replay eople would start taking it seriously as a sporting competition.

Without Star Treatment players will face much tougher defense. MJ/Kobe/Hogan types get ticky tack calls and therefore defenders know they can't guard them as closely as Deshawn Stevenson types. Then Kobe gets more open lanes. It's cheating, even though Kobe's not trying to. He just exists in a culture that cheats.

What would be the results if replay changed that culture?

Check them out:

The NBA's Lead Entrant In The Man Vs. Machine Contest: Dick Bavetta

Integrity? Fixed.

Image? Fixed.

Fan faith/loyalty? Fixed.

Griping players/teams? Fixed.

Donaghy scandal? Fixed.

All overnight.

Instead, McMahon/Stern/et al prop up the notion that a few 60 year old men trying to keep pace with the elite mutant athletes of the NBA/WWE works. (only one commits legal fraud) These benefits are so far reaching and solve so many major issues it indicates that something must be balancing the argument for it. Something they lose if these things are gained via replay.

One need look no further then the Lakers/Blazers series when LA came back from 15 down in game 7 via a 24-2 foul discrepancy, assisted by Portland's best player, Rasheed Wallace, being ejected for 'looking' at the ref in game 6.

Or game 6 vs the Kings in 2002 when a 18-6 4'th quarter foul disparity fueled another LA comeback.


Watch The First Clip Of Kobe Elbowing Bibby Directly In The Ref's Vision, The Entire Series Was A Joke

For a more recent example Dwayne Wade won a title in exactly this scenario. The most exciting star on the court always gets it a bit easier because it goes a long way promoting the NBA on TV. Dallas had Miami on the ropes in 07. In game 3 and 5 Wade got unbelievable calls to save the Heat from going down 0-3 and from losing game 5 while Dallas got pounded with no calls of their own.

Wade Is Easily One Of The Best Players Alive... Too Bad He Needed Shaq, And The Refs, For His First Ring

It's All About The Benjamins


What! What! Marquee match-ups going 7 games bring the bling. When those teams are down in this decade they suddenly have a great advantage at the line in game 5/6. Game 7's make millions, 100s of them, and while replay instantly restores integrity/faith to the league, it does not make more game 7's.

Maybe Replay Won't Help If The Refs Can't Even See The Screen!
That's why these Luddites will still choose to ref the game 1800's style, instead of 2000's, or hell, 1970's style. It gives the fraudulent culture control of how money is made. But if they're going to cheat, why stop there? Go big or go home.

Lets start having pro-mo interviews and face paint. Get back to our roots with the odd cage match (they used to play in cages, tradition, right?) and let a few steel chairs slip out on the court. Chair shots are entertaining and sell tickets, right? After all, in the NBA's world of no-replay, and the WWE, if the ref didn't see it, it didn't happen. Judging by their hair, I'm not sure they'll even notice.

The Most Ridiculous Arguments In Sports: David Stern - The Great Commish

For Once, FCP Has Nothing More To Say


You hear it every year you've been an NBA fan. Broadcasters. Beat writers. Basketball columnists in bunches. Players. Newspapers. Magazines. If the NBA PR machine has reach somewhere Stern is touted as the league's savior from near bankruptcy and it's proponent to global growth and expansion.

You've got to give him his due. Here's a short list of the Stern era.

• Behind the scenes mastermind of the ABA/NBA merger
  
• Expansion of the league by 7 teams.
• Increased popularity: all the games were not even televised in 84 and now all have some form of national outlet and media coverage.
• Introduction of the salary cap regulating team spending/player salaries
  
• Growth of basketball's international presence
• Creation of a drug testing scheme
  

Great list; you can hear the gushing from all sports outlets.

The only problem is its just not true. David Stern's accomplishments are more overblown then Wilt Chamberlain. Less gracious then Jordan's retirement speech. I can't contemplate many attach these league outcomes to his career. Allow me to digress.

There are three phases in Sterns career: Pre-Commish, Post-Commish and Post-Jordan (solidified after then Piston/Pacers Brawl).

Pre-Commish Era


Cocaine, Fros, Sex, Movies And Cool Basketball Players. The 70's Had A Lot To Offer Along With Copious Quantities Of Comedic Material.
Popularity dropped in response to a watered down 70's product. The rival ABA recruited disproportionate numbers of the most athletic players and created a brand of ball more exciting then the NBA. After the 76 merger quality improved as all elite talent congealed in one league.

Stern is credited with being the driving force behind the merger over Larry O'Brian. Fair enough. Except the ABA was formed with a documented intention of forcing league expansion via a merger. In 1970, 5 years before O'Brian was even appointed, NBA owners voted 13-4 in favor of a merger. No one opposed it and this table was set before Stern was even invited. Rubber arm twisting does not a best commissioner make.












Post-Commish Era


Is This A Leading Man??? You Bet Your Ass He Is!

Stern gets lots of credit for NBA growth. His brilliant marketing made it happen. So the story goes... craziest assertion of them all.

There's something I call it the Kevin Spacey rule. Look at him, a balding, ordinary man. Be it acting, athletics, music, cooking, investment advice or anything else people are willing to pay for. Talent sells. Kevin Spacey is talented therefore Miramax can easily sell a balding middle age man to the public as a a serial killer, criminal mastermind or even a GD Space Alien/Mental Patient. Everyone knows Kevin Spaceys got the goods. Its an easy sell.

Have the most talent: make the most money. The Kevin Spacey rule is universal, but infinitely amplified in the realm of professional sports. This is why the WNBA (a Stern failure) was stumbleing uphill at the exact same time the NBA thrived. How is it Stern's amazing promotional skills didn't help out? Not enough WNBA American Beauties? Uh uh, not enough Kevin Spacey. Conversely, lets look at the NBA.

True, But Who Cares About The WNBA? Epic Fail

ABA businessmen forced the NBA to accept their players, teams and entertaining style by Keizer Soze'ing them. The ABA had a plan. 10 of the next year's NBA all stars: ex-ABA players. 63 of the 82 ABA players were good enough to replace their NBA counterparts. The popularity issues started to melt away after 1976: competition got hot.

Concurrently brewing in the NCAA Larry Bird and Magic Johnson created buzz driving the most watched game in history. Bird entered the next draft. Magic the following year. Just look at who showed up to play post-merger...

1978: Larry Bird, Michael Ray Richardson, Mo Cheeks, Reggie Theus, Michael Cooper, Mike Mitchell,

1979: Magic Johnson, Bill Cartwright, Bill Laimbeer, Mark Eaton, Sidney Moncrief, Jim Paxon

1980: Kevin McHale, Andrew Tony

1981: Isiah Thomas, Mark Aguire, Buck Williams, Tom Chambers, Rolondo Blackman, Larry Nance, Danny Ainge

1982: Dominique Wilkins, James Worthy, Terry Cummings, Sleepy Floyd, Mark Eaton


People Need To Actually Look At The NBA's Cringe Worthy Campaigns Before Attaching Them To It's Success

1983: Clyde Drexler, Ralph Sampson, Dale Ellis, Jeff Malone, Doc Rivers
That was 4 years prior to "Comish Stern". Its not hard to see why heads were turning. The best players of all time were being drafted every year. Its only the beginning. Stern is doing his fannnntastic promotion now. Who's next?

1984: Michael Jordan, Hakeem Olajuwon, Charles Barkley, John Stockton, Alvin Robertson, Otis Thorpe, Kevin Willis


Just keeping track: in year 1 the GOAT and arguably the GOAT C, PF, and nearly PG (the GOAT PG wasn't drafted 4 years earlier) entered the league. Yearly strengthening repeats till the 90's peak. Keep in mind that within 4 years of Stern becoming commisoner the GOATs of every position are drafted, and most of the runner ups.


1985: Patrick Ewing, Karl Malone, Chris Mullin, Joe Dumars,  Michael Adams, Terry Porter, Xaiver McDaniel, Detlef Schremph, Charles Oakley, AC Green, Hot Rod Williams, Gerald Wilkins, Manute Bol

1986: Mark Price, Brad Daughtery, Arvidis Sabonis, Dennis Rodman, Len Bias (ouch), Jeff Hornacek, Drazen Petrovich

1987: David Robinson, Scotti Pippen, Kevin Johnson, Horace Grant, Reggie Miller, Mark Jackson, Reggie Lewis

How Many Of These Faces Were Drafted Within A Few Years Of 1984 vs How Many In The First 25 Years Of The League?
1988: Danny Manning, Thunder Dan Marjle, Rik Smitts, Mitch Richmond, Hersey Hawkings, Rod Strickland, Anthony Mason, Avery Johnson, Tim Legler

1989: Sean Elliot, Glen Rice, Mookie Blaylock, Shawn Kemp, Tim Hardaway, Vlade Divac,

1990: Derrick Coleman, Gary Payton, Jayson Williams, Antonio Davis,

1991: Larry Johnson, Kenny Anderson, Dikembe Mutumbo, Steve Smith, Terrel Brandon, Dale Davis, Billy Owens

1992: Shaquille O'Neal, Alonzo Mourning, Christian Laitner, Lattrell Sprewell, PJ Brown, Jim Jackson, Clarence Wetherspoon, Robert Horry

1993: Chris Webber, Penny Hardaway, Jamal Mashburn, Vin Baker, Alan Houston, JR Rider, Sam Cassall, Nick Van Exel, Bryon Russell, Bruce Bowen

1994: Glen Robinson, Jason Kidd, Grant Hill, Juan Howard, Eddie Jones, Jalen Rose

1995: Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Antonio McDyess, Damon Stoudamire,  Michael Finley, Brent Barry, Joe Smith,

1996: Allen Iverson, Shareff Abdur Rahim, Stephon Marbury, Ray Allen, Antoine Walker, Kobe Bryant, Peja Stojakovich, Steve Nash, Jermaine O'Neal, Zydrunas Ilglauskas, Ben Wallace

1997: Tim Duncan, Keith Van Horn, Chauncy Billups, Tracy McGrady, Marc Jackson

1998: Mike Bibby, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce, Larry Hughes, Jason Williams, Bonzi Wells, Ricky Davis, Rashard Lewis, Brad Miller

1999: Elton Brand, Steve Francis, Baron Davis, Shawn Marion, Wally Scezzerbiak, Lamar Odom, Jonathon Bender, Andre Miller, Jason Terry, Ron Artest, Trajan Langdon, Corey Maggette, James Posey, Andre Kirelenko, Todd Maculough, Manu Ginobli, Chris Anderson, Raja Bell

Only a handful of the above are not all stars. All stars who I cut were Chris Gattling (who was an all star!), Theo Ratliff, Tom Gugliotta, Tyrone Hill, Cedric Ceballos, Dana Barrows, BJ Armstrong, Cliff Robinson, Kevin Duckworth, Lafyette Lever, Ricky Pierce, Kelly Tripucka, Joe Barry Carrol, Kiki Vandewedghe, Jeff Ruland, Bill Cartwright, Calvin Natt, Jim Paxon.


Jordan's Retirement Speech Went Exactly As His Playing Style Did, Overshadow Other's With A Willingness To Gut Them Publicly On National Television
There are two obvious facts.

1. The influx of talent, for over 20 years, was constant yielding multiple hall of fame caliber players every draft. They were led by Jordan on the court. Jordan was marketed by his agent, David Falk, and Nike to become the most successful athlete of all time. If you want to find out why the NBA was so successful, look no further then Jordan and the above players who pushed themselves, the actual NBA product, over the top, to become the #2 worldwide sport.

2. Stern did not, and could not, do a single, solitary thing to influence this influx of talent.

Barring voodoo secrets Jordan trying out for his HS team or Cheryl Miller's backyard beat downs on little reggie Reggie, David Stern was in no way involved. Even their influences from 60's/70's leagues existed long before Stern and have none of his fingerprints on them.


Post-Jordan Era

Since the 90's competitive peak we've seen the real Stern. Jordan and the PLAYERS who sparked 80's hoop revolution retired. The NBA became more synonymous with scandals, blunders and poor management then competition. Look at the laundry list since this time.


Funny, We All Talk About The Culture Of Fraud In The NBA, David Stern Claims Its Fabricated, Yet... He's Terrified This Book Will Be Published And Pre-Emotively Sues Without Even Reading It. Message: Stern Is Scared Because He's Already Aware Of The Content And The Damage It Will Do

1. Countless series being decided by atrocious officiating. (Suns vs Spurs, Kings vs Lakers twice, Mavs vs Heat in the finals).
2. Those officials recieving mob-like protection from the league, while some actually worked for the mob fixing games the NBA claimed were 'internally reviewed' and thus fairly officiated.
3. The majority of NBA teams losing money and being boat anchored, not bolstered, by the cap
   
4. New balls that were forced on the league with little to no player consultation actually started cutting player's hands.
5. Increasingly repetitive and boring all star games/events. Three ball???!!!???
   
6. Team City's being blackmailed for publicly funded stadiums resulting in the removal of their team (to smaller markets) as punishment and selling them to his good friends. (Seattle/Clay Bennet)
7. Horrendously unbalanced trades being approved that give advantages to large market teams. (Franchise Player Pau Gasol to the Lakers for nothing).
8. Racially engineered dress codes to white wash a black league
9. Obtuse fines with no congruency to the severity of actions. ($25,000 for criticizing a replacement ref who did suck, a month suspension for a single slap by Carmelo Anthony).
10. The lowest rated NBA finals in history due to the flawed playoff format pitting the best teams against each other in the early rounds
11. A near decade of unbalanced conferences often negating the finals. (LA New Jersey anyone? barf)
    
12. Countless uncommitted owners making short term bucks by mortgaging the league's future integrity. (Geogre Shin/Donald Sterling/Clay Bennet/Robert Sarver).
13. Expansion teams failing in new markets (Vancouver, Charlotte after one team already failed there).
14. Shamelessly saying the NBA has nothing to hide while at the same time blocking the publishing of Tim Donnahey's book explaining the details of why him being busted was a surprise to no one.
    

The superstar retirements left a vacuum. The weak drafts a deficit. In 2000 Kenyon Martin went #1 followed by the likes of Stromile Swift, Darius Miles and Marcus Fizer. 2001 was headlined by Kwame Brown and Tyson Chandler. In 2002 Yao and Amare (taken 10'th) were the only legit prospects. 2003's stacked draft (LBJ/Melo) showed some light... 6 years later talent is slightly stronger but  confidence in the league is at an all time low.

Round, Bald, Synthetic And Emblazoned With Corporate Logos Of His Owners... Pretty Accurate Depiction Of Our Commissioner Of 25 Years
Most people think games are fixed. Most owner's would rather use their fan loyalty as blackmail to get free stadiums and trade good draft picks for cash. That being said, 99% of deals today are done for financial, not basketball purposes. Many teams actually pay totally capable/willing players not to play instead of trading them for more talent. Horrible players with no business in the league are being traded for great players merely for cap relief. DEAD players are even considered trade chips for god's sake.

30 years with the same commissioner who's response to negativity is to promote it out of the casual fan's mind is softening the NBA. He acts as if dedicated fans who care and complain are the problem. Do we want a league supported by people who don't care?

Boxing, a shell of it's former self, was consumed by it's management. It's fans gave up. Perhaps the NHL under the 'guidance' of Gary Bettman is a better reference for what happens when a poor commissioner is given too much power for too long. I was watching an NHL playoff game that got pre-empted for... bowling. Their fans gave up.

Some still say Stern has been a maverick. A steady hand on the wheel of SS Recovery. Upon closer inspection you see a crack crew keeping things afloat while the captain is drunk in his cabin. Lucky, yes, incredibly. Great, not a chance. Easily one of the most ridiculous arguments in sports.

What Lebron Really Said After Game 6

Bron Bron Didn't Seem As Happy After Game 6
Apparently Lebron was not so silent after all. Full Court Pest took the liberty of hiring the world's foremost body language expert to decipher exactly what Lebron was getting at after Orlando's game 6 win. He was kind enough to take some time away from his CIA post to give us this world exclusive. Enjoy.

"Gratz Magic, you won, but you're not the better team. I destroyed you and everyone in the world knows it. One, two or three open shots falling that normally fall for us and you don't make the finals. So I'm not taking anything away, but I'm not walking over and saying gratz as if you're the better team.I don't care that the media is going to say you are, you're not and we both know you're damned lucky to make it past us.

As for you guys in the media, I'm not going to go up there and listen to questions about why were not good enough and aren't going to the finals. My teammates didn't hit open shots. My front office chose to save money when they could have traded Wally's contract for a true star in a buyer's market and gotten him back when he agreed to a buy out to save that team more money anyway. Which would have happened because his trade was a money dump and Wally stated he did not want to leave in no uncertain terms. We could have gotten an extra star for free, and instead we got Joe Smith for extra.

If James Sprung For Something Better Then Digital Cameras When Buying For Multimillion Dollar Athletes, Maybe They Would Have Played Better
Lastly I'm not going to slag my teammates and pretend like its really their fault that a live by the three team happened to live, cuz while the magic won, they're going to get killed in a finals match up that my team would have killed in. Even though everyone will say the Magic were the better team because that's what Stern and ABC and ESPN and TNT and the sports writers and the owners and everyone who makes money off this game wants. I don't care to say it and dance for the man. I don't believe it and I don't need it. I have my pride.

They need to say that so they make as much money as possible. I'm a player. And players don't give a damn what you say. We make our money under contract and don't need to create a false sense of accomplishment for the teams at the end to sell the finals. I don't have to recoup the millions Nike wasted from the ads pitting me and Kobe against each other. The millions they paid me to do them are in my bank account right now. I'll use the money I made in the fraction of a second I coughed on set to pay the 25k fine. They were ripping off Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carrola's Crank Yankers anyway.

Hedo Turkoglu In His Best Possible Defensive Stance vs Lebron... Or Anyone
If we played this series out 10 more times my team wins 10 times. Its the secret everyone knows but won't say. No, I'm not going to your press conference to talk about other people. I know no one has questions about me because I made sure all Lebron related questions were answered fully, in triplicate, on the court. Did you see what I did to their defense? I'm not going to let you see me defeated and make a spectacle out of Lebron James failing like you did to Dirk in 97, Kobe in 98 and Britney Spears 'come back' at the MTV awards. I'm smart enough to see a media set up coming and I'm not walking into it to give you an opportunity to mess with my head for a couple of headlines so you can sell yourself by putting your name below my picture.

You'll see us here again next year because you know and I know that I'm the future of this league. Stern knows it too and you just watch his reaction to what I'm telling you. Slap on the wrist cuz for the first time in over a decade that man knows his league is in steady, capable hands once again. I reiterate, you're not going to see me in defeat. Not on the court saying good job. Not in the press conference answering questions you already know the answers to.

These Guys Are Saying The Two Best Teams Are In.......... SHOCKING!
If you think this is anything more then a blip I have two words for you. Fuck and you. I'm not arrogant or stupid enough to tell you the truth though. And I'm not lame enough to sit there and give political answers dancing around the truth. So I'm choosing none of the above and filling in the blank with integrity. See you next year twice as hungry."

Hmm... I'm not sure if thats 'precisely' a word for word translation, and something tells me this CIA guy might have grown up in Cleveland. If you'd like to send feedback just stand next to your nearest non-suspicious looking plant and voice your opinions... his people will make sure your input will find its way to him... or you can just comment below.