I Freak A Funky Beat Like That
Shit Was In A Blender
When you're having the time honoured discussion of who the greatest players of all time are, inevitably the phrase "youtube mix" will be used. It's usually a negative thing in the discussion because it means someone is basing too much on highlights. Everyone looks good in highlights. In reality, it's one of the reasons why basketball is the fastest growing sport in the world. And why do they all look good?
Making a truly great mix is more then merely copying video. You can observe countless subtleties from people who know what they're doing. It's about including rare footage that matters. It's about getting the musical choice just right. Knowing when to cut that music for a dunk because the call from announcers is part of the moment. It's about timing particularly amazing slams on the beat to create rhythm making you feel they were made side by side, instead of separately. Matching lyrics to poignant moments or to have a player lip sync to the song.
It's about time we appreciated the guys who put so much sweat into giving us 5-10 minutes of basketball enjoyment at a time. Here's the 5 best Mix Makers on you tube, in the order I remember them.
In the mix-making universe, KBlaze has got to be considered a legend. He's produced 100's of mixes which makes it so difficult to pick just a few to demonstrate how he flexes his skills with his knowledge of the NBA and it's history. He must be an archivist (or work for the NBA). I have no idea where anyone can get the access to the footage.
Expect mixes to have all the key moments you'd expect and lots of clips from high school and anywhere else the subject played. In his stellar Dominique Wilkins mix he made sure to get a clip of 'Nique lifting the trophy over his head, way past prime but still ballin in Europe. No one else does things like that, and that's why KBlaze and his love for the game (and amazing Hip Hop) goes first.
His awesome career retrospective of The Round Mound Of Rebound, Charles Barkley is worth watching too. Notice how all the slams, shots blocks and moments are all timed to match the beat? How much time does it take to do that for 100's of plays on a 10 minute video? Props.
When people tell me that Tim Duncan is a non-athletic player, I invariably send a link to Yinka Dare's TD mix. I tell them to watch the whole thing, but pay attention to the dunks at 4:10 and 4:20. He has not posted a new mix in a while and I hope he gets back at it.
Yinka has mixes for the standard stars, but he also devotes his time to lesser known players like Keon Clark and Larry Hughes. He made throw backs to Isiah Rider's and Antonio McDyess's mostly forgotten elite high flying career. It's only had 7,000 views, but he made it because it should be done, and fans should appropriate it. Yinka's mixes are always highlighted by some of the best hip hop choices in the game. How perfect does Rappin 4 Tay's smooth ass delivery of Player's Club fit Tim Duncan's smooth fundamental game? TD is definitely in the Player's Club.
Maxamillion is something of an archivist. What may be lacking in styling is more then made up for in sheer content. When the best NBA mixes are brought up his Vince Carter Top 100 Dunk mixes are always in the discussion. Some of them are famous, some of them are from cell phone videos in unknown gyms, but they're all in his killer mix.
He's also got a great ability to capture the poignancy of some of the better moments in sports. This recent mix, made 3 years after the VC one, shows how he's honed his skills. Simple edits don't distract from the flow of the game as you watch one of the best come backs in NBA history come back to life.
Fourth, but maybe first. Technically, subjectively, historically, it's hard to imagine any pro or amateur creating more stylish basketball videos then Coose. Check out his tribute to the new decade of hoops in 2010. I don't think anything the NBA or anyone else has produced has done a better job of summing up the new era of PRO hoops.
If anyone does make more stylish videos, maybe it's Mix Tape Live. Maybe the best straight up dunk mix on You Tube, the NBA High Flyer Series, Volume 1, throws down with everything it has to show why the NBA has the best athletes in all of PRO sports. Filled with eye candy and slick transitions Mix Tape Live should really be working for the NBA, not out-performing them on You Tube.
Many claim that Vincent Da's "Art Of War" is the greatest mix of all time. Is it the amazing score from Requiem For A Dream, the classic speech from Patton, or the fusion of the two with a relentless assault of testosterone driven hoops clips that cause this video to crescendo. It doesn't matter, when you're finished watching you see all the excitement that basketball has to offer.
Art Of War has over 30 different variations on youtube since he first made it in 2003. He hasn't made a mix since his redux version in 2008. If he is the GOAT or not we can all agree on one thing: we wish he'd make some more. Watch in full screen, it's recommended.
And there you have it. The best 6 Mix Makers on you tube. If you're a fan of the game you should subscribe to their channels, post some comments and click some ads to say 'thank you' for all the hard work.
Am I leaving someone out who deserves to be on this list? Let me know in the comments and I'd be happy to add more ass kicking hoops vids to this page.
Lebron James Before "The Decision" Make Up Team Got At Him.
I know this has been done to death. Is there really a need for another article about The Decision? Maybe not, but when writers I respect like Bill Simmons say:
And as a basketball fan, it continues to be hard for me to accept that someone who had a chance to be the GOAT took the easy way out.
I start to think maybe I should contribute another.
Jordan, Barkley and Magic all famously chided him for going to Miami too. Which is odd for two players who did their winning with the second best player in the league (Pippen/Kareem) on their teams. Especially Barkley, who lost to Jordan's team after he demanded a trade from Philly to form the super stacked Suns teams of the mid-90's. Lebron didn't even demand a trade, he just left. Magic admitted that if he comn't going to play with Kareem, the best player in the league, he was going to change his mind and not even come to the NBA and opt out of the draft. All this time Wade is getting 0 criticism when he was just as complicit in forming the 'new look' Heat as Lebron was, if not more since he championed the idea to sign 3 players at near max contract within the organization.
Charles Barkley Wins The MVP
Trophy: 1 Year After Forcing A Trade
Out Of Philly After A Single Losing
Season. Philly Hero Dr. J Passed Him
The Franchise Only 4 Years Earlier.
The 76ers Wins For 7 Years After
Chuck Ran: 26, 25, 24, 18, 22, 31, 28.
Deserter And Hypocrite Are Both
Spelled The Same: Barkley.
The story goes, instead of winning championships in an honest fashion Lebron has taken the easiest possible route and cut corners to attain success. Can critics be referring to changing teams? No, it's just a common reality of the NBA. MJ/Magic's teammates like Kareem, Rodman and Barkley himself changed teams to improve their situations. Kareem, like Chuck, demanded a trade and forced his way off the Bucks sending his championship team to the absolute mediocrity.
The only sensible argument left is "he's a ring chaser." Like Karl Malone going to join stacked LA. They claim an act of laziness was committed in the pantheon of hoops. In cheating the hard work of those greats he's tarnished his legacy at the young age of 25. It's a valid line of reasoning, but let's examine Lebron's choices and see if there is any truth to it.
Every team in the league could have, and would have, aquired Lebron James at nearly any costs. Your team, for the next 5 years, will make billions more in revenues. You become an automatic contender. With even decent talent you have a deep playoff run every year. It means you get the highest TV revenues for the playoffs. If you win 3 or 4 titles the profits you generate become just astronomical, and the NBA is famously a business.
He had all the cards in his hand. It was his choice with 29 suitors. Considering that they are building a team from scratch in Miami and still have a plethora of unanswered questions, lets count off the teams Lebron could have gone to that would have been an easier path to the title. To rephrase, the list of teams Lebron chose not to go to that would have been easier to win on then the Heat. All these teams with Lebron have to instantly be considered huge contenders if not title/finals locks which the Heat are not. The only question: was it possible? Here's the list in random order:
1. Boston Celtics
They are already good. Great even. This is probably their last season of contention, maybe second last? They're just getting old. But with Lebron they become an instant lock for the finals. They're loaded with options to make it happen.
The first one, stiff KG and trade him. Then Cleveland has to throw in another player actually.
The second, trade Ray Allen's expiring contract and throw in someone like Big Baby to make it happen. There's no way the Cavs say no and Boston was shopping Ray Ray this summer anyway. Or you can throw in Nate Robinson. Pierce's no trade clause prevents him from being involved.
2. LA Lakers
Could easily get him by trading Bynum who is essentially perfect for the scenario. He's a flier who could bring a huge season to the new team if he's healthy and become a star. If not, the next year his deal is expiring which gives you all kinds of leverage for rebuilding. If he's healthy, that lets you make a deal at the deadline to a team trying to add that one extra piece and get back lots of quality picks/contracts in return.
Or, package Vujacic's expiring deal of almost 6 million with Walton and change to make it happen and keep Bynum. The other team gets quality guys with short term deals and good rebuilding chips. LA gets a starting 5 of Lebron, Kobe, Gasol, Artest, Bynum/Odom as Lebron tries to emulate Magic and ravage the league for wins/rings during and after Kobe's career slow down.
3.Orlando Magic
Vince Carter is past his prime but still sells tickets. On a crap team, no doubt. In a situation like Cleveland's his scoring would jump back up as well. He has 2 years left on his deal so he's your's for one season and then becomes a 'very' attractive 17 million expiring deal the next season for whatever team needs to dump salary.
If you need to sweeten the pot to make the cavs want this, you just throw in Marcin Gortat who's awesome and the cavs will take back any other shitty contracts you want. They've also got a 5 million expiring Pietrus contract and a 2 year 4 million dollar contract for Brandon Bass that could be combined with Jameer Nelson's 2 year deal that the cavs would NEVER say no to.
4. LA Clippers
Lebron could have just signed with The Clippers: they had space. A deal with Baron Davis or Chris Kaman and whoever is a done deal and he's in LAC with him and Blake throwing Ally Oops to each other like they needed them to breath.
5. Portland Trailblazers
They have so many assets it would have been automatic. They could package Oden with Prisbilla in a deal the Cavs can not refuse. They can package Camby or Alderidge (thoguh I do not like his contract) in a deal they take. Or they straight up trade Brandon Roy cuz it's obvious that it's a massive upgrade. But they don't need to do that at all.
6. Chicago Bulls
They didn't even need to swing a trade since they had the cap room to take him on. This team was set up perfectly for him too. He just had to show up. The Bulls roster was so suited to Lebron that it almost looked like it had been constructed with him in mind. Lightening quick point guard who could create shots. Hard working defensive center who is 100% team oriented. Then a host of role guys who would feed off him like Taj Gibson. Pretty much the #1 spot for him to win titles right away. They're ready and even adding Boozer (whom I hate) instead of Bron, they are a much more complete team then Miami. They are easily the third best team in the east and possibly the second depending on how the Magic do.
7. Dallas Mavericks
The Mavs could have combined Caron Butler's expiring 10 million deal with Deshawn Stevenson's expiring 4 million dollar deal to make this happen overnight. Done. Dirk playing with Lebron and Kidd would be, well, just unfair. That means you could put Dirk on the floor with two of the best passers of their generation.
8. San Antonio Spurs
Tim Duncan playing with Lebron James, even at his age, is going to result in an amazing, stellar, elite team untouchable by anyone in the league. Duncan can teach Lebron how to do the heavy lifting like Robinson did for him. It would be ridiculous how Lebron would respond to Greg Poppavich, the guy who channeled Stephen Jackson into a Laker killing playoff assassin. To make it happen they just need to trade Tony Parker's expiring 13.5 million dollar contract. They like Parker, but not as much as they'd like Lebron James. Done deal.
9. The Sonics
Oh, the Sonics. They are literally the 'only' team in this scenario with a player that the team won't trade for Lebron. Sorry Kobe, but if it was between you and another 5-10 years of dominance with the best player in the game, you're gone... not that LA would have had to do that if Lebron wanted to come, and not that they could have since Kobe indeed has a no trade clause. But they would.
With Nick Collison's expiring 7 million deal you're half way there without losing much. Morris Peterson's expiring 6 million dollar deal. What's that? You're within draft picks of Lebron James and you've only given up a guy who's best basketball was played in Kansas and the guy who Kobe Bryant scored 81 on. Both with awesome expiring deals worth more then their legit NBA pro games. Done like dinner.
Without mentioning Nenad Kristic's identical expiring 5 million deal or Daequan Cook's expiring 2 million dollar deal, or the absolute war chest of picks that Presti has collected that make any deal in the NBA totally possible. They're also 6.5 million under the cap.
10. Cleveland Cavaliers
What? Yes. The Cavs. They may not have been the easy route to a title but they were perhaps even the easiest team he could have picked. Lebron knew there would be a backlash if he left. He knew he'd be giving up a base of fans who adored him and trading that in for hate and resentment. He knew that leaving was giving up so much of what he had attained in life never having lived outside Ohio.
Change is inherently difficult. Ask the multitudes of people who feel hopelessly stuck in unhappy marriages and they're still there because changing their situation is too much for them to bear.
This Is Not An Easy Path
In some regards, staying in Cleveland was the easiest path of all. If he stays people trumpet 'The Decision' as a wonderful charity fund raiser from a player who has not forgotten his roots. Instead of a heel he's 'giving back to his community'. It becomes the happiest day in Cleveland sports history which is probably how Lebron envisioned the special in the first place when the TV deal was made (during the all star break). Choosing a path in which millions of people hate you is obviously harder then one in which those same millions love you.
9 teams. Count them. 9. And a tenth that was inherently easier without winning rings. A third of the league. Not just teams that would have been good with Lebron, these are teams that would have pretty easily become the best team in the league with him. And 10 teams that are very easily an easier choice/path.
Especially that Sonics team. With the growth of Durant slowly taking over as Lebron gets older. They could legitimately win 4-8 titles, or if that's pushing it, the lowest possible result barring injury etc. is best team in the league for 5-10 years straight.
Maybe Portland really doesn't have the goods to be the obvious best team in the league with Lebron, but they are instant contenders in the least as much or more then the Heat are this year. The other teams, they are instantly NBA alpha dogs. Miami looks good but have lots of work left to complete. A title is not guaranteed. They are obviously not the best team in the league yet. Spending that much on 3 guys is for sure an experiment and they hardly have the depth or size to be considered the best team. Till they figure it out, The Celtics, Lakers, Magic, Mavs, Spurs are still above them. The Sonics and Bulls are better as well. Maybe that will change by the end of the season but only if Miami makes some smart deals to fix the mistakes they made on players 5-12.
Just Wanted To Get These Hawks Girls In. :)
What is certain is the very best teams had easy options to acquire Lebron should he wanted to play there and all 9 choices resulted in a stronger team then the Heat and best team in the NBA status. Miami was 'not' one of these teams. New York with Amare, Utah with Deron Williams or Phoenix with Nash would be better teams then the Heat too. Or really the Hawks too. Which makes Miami at the 10'th or more easiest path Lebron could have taken to win. Which means it was some other motivation that pulled him to Miami then title chasing or corner cutting.
If this is the case, and I contend it is, MJ, Barkley and Magic (Simmons too) should all be ashamed for kicking a dog when he's down. Lebron has not had the best summer. He's become an easy target and even if the criticism is deserved they're just making up negativity that does not exist. When you take the 10'th or more most difficult route out of 29 it's factually not the easiest path.better a
At first glance it appears difficult to be a basketball expert. There are plenty of famous pundits on TV who speak very confidently and loudly as if they come from a place of great authority. Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, Chris Webber, Gary Payton. Just a few famous names you see on NBA broadcasts.
Don't overlook one fact... most basketball pundits are former basketball players and while they were undoubtedly better then us average joes at using their muscles to play the game, being an expert is a thinking man's game. You're undoubtedly better at using the muscle over your shoulders.
You've already met lots of their counterparts during your own life. While most of them were banging cheerleaders in high school you were developing the tools that prevented your career by the fry cooker hearing them talk about the glory days when they were 17. The difference upstairs between these guys who make it and that guy now serving you drinks is not a large stretch.
Just follow these tips and you'll be wowing people with your incredible basketball knowledge in no time. Without further adieu, one tip for each player on a b-ball team.
1. Know All The High School Players
Know everyone who jumped from high school to the pros and didn't play NCAA basketball. This one is imperative (you'll find out why in step 2) and easy because the list is relatively small. KG, Kobe, Lebron, Amare will cover nearly all conversations you intend to impress in. Knowing guys like Leon Smith (who went crazy) or Kwame Brown (who was the first #1 HS pick, and was a bust) will get you extra points but aren't necessary.
Can You Tell The Difference?
Its not difficult to know all the foreign players either. They're all the ones with funny names and stylish hair. If you hear someone with a funny name, say, Petrovich, or Galinari or if you have trouble spelling their name when you hear it, better just to avoid talking about them. This is really an important step to faking because the holy grail of faking basketball expertise is next. No funny name? Lack of great looking almost homosexual hair? Their name is something like Smith, or Williams? You're ready for step two. Jump right into the conversation and say...
2. "Man, I Remember When"
Under any and all circumstances, when a player is mentioned, speak up loudly stating "Man, that guy, I remember when he played in College. He tore it UP!" Now you know why step 1 is so important. If you don't know who went from high school to the pros you can get nailed by someone else with a "You idiot, KG didn't play in college!" Major loss of cred and double depressing because you just made someone else, who may also be faking, look really smart because he followed step 1 instead of you.
The beauty part of this line is that you don't have to know anything else. No one will 'ever' ask you for details of what you remember in college. There are so many NCAA teams its not expected for you to remember where almost anyone played. No one ever watches anything but march and its so many games at once no one ever remembers who played each other or what happened. If you do know something make sure to throw it in there for Jedi Master level respect. Anyone who knows some details about college players must be an expert, right?
"Man, Melo and Macnamera. The Orange were unstoppable that year. Over rated? I don't think so!" People will be so intimidated by the mere mention of details regarding a college event that entire rooms of people will start nodding their heads in agreement hoping that others think they know what you are talking about and they will look like YOU, an expert.
3. Pick A Player To Love
Every expert has one player they devote themselves to unconditionally. Every fake expert should have one too. Its not relevant who you pick so long as once you choose the recipient of your new man-love you refuse to budge on any interpretation of his behavior that does not fall under spectacular, amazing or divinely guided.
So long as they score lots of points they will have easy to defend stats. The axiom of basketball talent evaluation is: if you score more points per game, you 'are' the better player. This makes hyping your favorite easy. Great examples: Dwayne Wade (29.9) > Lebron James (28.6) > Kobe Bryant (27.7) > Tim Duncan (19.8). You can have a few players reach this status, however not too many because... 4. More Importantly Pick A Player To HATE.
Solid hate bait: you'll have lots of friends
Once they've earned your hatred be sure to never waver. Your hatred of players must exceed your love or people in this game just don't take you seriously. Scoring titles, MVPs, championships or all star nods; anything this player does is craptacular. It should be noted that your list of players you hate is more effective if its larger then the list of players you love.
An expert, you see, is always very picky and judgmental about who meets their high standards. If you're critical of a player who's obviously really, really good it must mean you know something they and everyone else does not. Thus, you are a more credible and discerning expert. The logic follows: the larger list of greats you think stink simply varies directly with the list of reasons you know what your talking about. Gary Payton, one of the best defensive point guards to ever play HATES Rajon Rondo, the best defensive point guard to play today. Coincidence? I think not!
Good examples of players to pick to hate: Kobe, Gilbert Arenas, Vince Carter, Ron Artest, Stephon Marbury, Bruce Bowen. (see how my hate list is longer?)
Historical hate list all star: Karl Malone.
5. When In Doubt, Get Bullish.
There is no more powerful tool in ballshitting then Michael Jordan. Despite the fact that Jordan will land on the love OR hate list of every single basketball expert alive no expert will ever attempt to argue against an MJ comparison. Many the Kobe super-fan pundit has been roasted trying to compare the two.
Two methods of getting bullish exist. The first is to reference cliche Jordan quotes as if they were your own fantastic insights. Slip in a "Defense wins championships", "I was looking for a new challenge" or any reference to the importance of fundamentals and lesser competition shrink in the face MJ's fierce 'competitiveness'. They won't suspect for a moment it's actually your discrete laziness at work.
The second method is to bait your adversary into making a statement about a player or team that is general in any sense so you can turn it into a historical comparison to MJ and the Bulls.
Observe:
Casual Fan: "Did you see LA hand it to the Celtics and the Cavs last week? "
Expert: (to self: man, what do I do, I LOVE Lebron and the Celtics and HATE Kobe. Those games were excruciating to watch.) "Yea, I saw some of it. The highlights looked decent. How did they play? "
Casual Fan: "Man, this Lakers team is amazing!"
Expert: "You think so huh? Why's that? (<- the bait)" Casual Fan: "Yea man. Kobe is unstoppable."
Expert: "Unstoppable? He might be good but I wouldn't say unstoppable. There's no way he would ever win a 7 game series against the Bulls and MJ. People just hype him up because the competition is weak like his fundamentals."
Casual Fan: "Yea, I guess you're right.... that must be why you're the expert."
That's right. No one beats the bulls. No one is possibly better then MJ... even if he's not playing anymore. You, are an 'expert'. QED.
6. Know How To Pick A Winner
By that I don't mean picking who you think will win. Faced with two teams look no further then their records. Pick who has more W's. This is a fail safe basketball experts hold near and dear to their hearts. If your pick loses you can always fall back on the record backing up your choice and praise team B as lucky to get the win. If they win you can arrogantly state that team B never had a chance anyway.
When it comes time to open your mouth and hide the fact that you are only picking the higher number, defend your 'ideas' with step 7...
7. Develop A Few Go To Basketball Phrases
They don't say much but just sound like they do. Its so easy to slam a team using abstract phrases that skirt around any details. There's a variety of approaches so if someone in a conversation uses one of them just pick another and come on stronger till they wilt. Lets say two people are talking about the Cavs/Heat game coming up. Execute a two pronged attack.
The Setup:
Make sure to throw out a phony statement or two to act like you spent time really considering the team you're about to rip on.
"Yea, the heat have really earned a reputation as fighters this season..."
"Gotta say, the Cavs looks great on paper..."
"What people don't realize is how great the coaching for Miami is..."
"The Cavs really had some bounce in their step at the shoot around today..."
The Slam:
This is usually pretty easy. You just find some way to state that the other team's best player, ie: highest scoring player, will negate any of these good aspects you just put out there.
Is this 'man' an expert?!?!
"... but they can't stop Lebron from getting into the paint."
"...but they just have no way to contain Dwayne Wade at the end of the game."
"...but they seem to really have problems defending Lebron in the pick and roll."
"...but you have to wonder about the schedule they've been on, there's been no Wade calibre players."
Just remember, what you lack in specifics you make up for with authority. So the louder you speak and the more you flail around (like this expert on the right, seriously!!) the more people will think you're actually getting excited about something real instead of just making shit up.
7. Learn To Hate The NBA And It's Officials
This is a critical step on the journey of any basketball expert: real or fictional. At any juncture your credibility as an expert can be expounded on by mentioning how the NBA is fixed by David Stern and/or it's refs. Seeing as how one of their boys in black and white was indited for working with the mob to fix games its not a difficult case to make.
Note 'Fredo Style' facial expression Some cliches that will assist you in the task are as follows:
"The only reason the Lakers won their titles was the Refs. The Kings and/or Blazers were robbed!"
"How could Phoenix win when they suspended Amare? The Suns were robbed!"
"David Stern? Everyone knows he fixed the draft lottery when the Knicks got Ewing. The entire league was ROBBED!">
Learn these and a few more shady situations with the refs. One of them even challenged Tim Duncan to a fight in the parking lot once and the NBA assigned him to ref a Spurs playoff game a year after. Fish in a barrel, see what I mean? You'll have people looking to you for advice on their fantasy teams in no time.
8. Learn A Few Famous Moments To Reminisce With Hardcore Fans
This is a gimme. If you can loosely quote the commentator or reference a few watershed moments around fans or a particular player or team, you're 'in' like spandex during the 80's. The key here is to wait for someone else to bring up the topic so you can look knowledgeable when you complete their thoughts with the correct emotive response. They'll be so taken with the mention of their personal experience they won't even notice you don't know jack squat about hoop. Upon any mention of:
Chris Webber: say enthusiastically "Time out time out!". Michigan/Webber fans will be crushed into submission that you know their dark secret and say nothing or change the topic as quickly as possible.
Allen Iverson: say sarcastically with a drawl "Practice!?!?"
Lakers: say fondly "Man, Magic's baby hook baby"
Celtics: say joyfully "Havlicek stole the ball!" (extra points if you say Henderson with a wink)
Bulls: say as if you had a mouth full of marbles "A spectacular move by Jordan"
Ders Crazy In Dem Dere Eyes!
Lattrel Spreewell: say sardonically "Hey, my family's gotta eat. I can't choke them!"
Karl Malone: say like your IQ is in the 80's "I'm the MVP!"
Ron Artest: punch the person in the face and say "Sorry, thought you threw a beer at me." Use 'crazy eyes' for extra points.
Clippers: say dejectedly "Uh, why am I a Clippers fan anyway?"
9. Overstate Championship Experience
It just doesn't matter that 5 of the last 10 NBA champions never made the finals before. It also doesn't matter that 11 of the last 20 NBA finalists never made the finals before. And that does not even include Kobe's new team last year that was totally different sans Shaq or Spurs sans Robinson. What does matter is championship experience!
What Experience Did For Magic In The Finals...
The rule follows as such: if two teams are being compared always say the one who made the finals or won them are better because of their 'experience'. The fact they made the finals is not only an indicator they are among the most talented teams and are winning because of that. No sir! Its the 'magical' experience.
You'll hear plenty of pundits overstate how the Spurs have the experience advantage this year which makes it a great statement to hide your lack of knowledge behind cuz everyone else is saying it too.
When a younger team takes down the experienced team express shock and awe that they didn't win the game/series. When the Spurs knocked the champion Shaq/Kobe Lakers out of the playoffs in the second round, Bill Walton's confidence in LA's experience induced him to call it "The Greatest Win In Spurs History!" even though 4 years earlier they won the title. The disbelief in his voice... genuine shock.
You may want to break out the 'passing the torch' cliche for this event. It couples greatly with always giving the edge to the team with the better record. When you pick the team that won before AND has the best record no one will dare challenge your ability to repeat obvious statements you heard on TV or read on-line.
10. Dumpster Dive For Bench Players
Anyone can be a basketball expert. As I'm saying, anyone can fake it. But only 'real' experts have the innate ability to tell who the 'good yet still crappy' players are. Right? Wrong! There are a few approaches to selecting who will be the recipient of your gracious praise for playing limited minutes in garbage time.
The safe approach: Pick an aging veteran who has a rich history but can't play to save his life due to 4 knee reconstructions and 32 STDs. This is the easy out as you can wax poetic about the player they used to be and even still get excited when they get inserted into a playoff game and knock down a wide open shot or two to win a game. Guys like Jerry Stackhouse, Robert Horry and Michael Finley are great examples of players pundits have ridden to historic careers of blabbing bullshit.
The Fan Favorite: This guy is a truly crappy player whom a stadium's fans will cheer hysterically for any time they actually manage to score a point or make a play that doesn't result in a turnover. They'll even get ovations merely for being checked into a game. Brian Scalenbrine, Mark Madsen and Matt Bullard are all players fans have connected with because after watching them play live they realize that someone on the floor actually has comparable basketball skills to themselves and form a special connection. Its a beautiful thing.
The Energy/Defense Guy: You can spot this player when the team is down 20 in the fourth diving into old/pregnant women's bosoms for loose balls. Everyone knows he's got very little talent. But he knows that almost all NBA players are mailing in an 82 game season before anything they care about is on the line. So he can have a role in the league working his butt off to frustrate the Vince Carters of the world. Sometimes an energy guy gets credit for being a 'defensive ace'. Bruce Bowen's PR guy has managed to pull off transforming drop kicking players into DPOY nominations. Sometimes he just turns out to be a Pape Sow/Amundson. For sentimental reasons he's a great choice cuz at least he tries.
11. Learn The Brutal NBA PR Slogans
'Every' NBA expert loves to sarcastically quote the NBA PR campaigns and so should you! Should always be delivered with a sense of irony, a tongue in the cheek and a wink in the eye roll. They are:
Don't Worry Little Fella: The NBA Cares about someone (psst:he's on your sign)
The NBA Cares (about money)
I love this game!
There Can Only Be One!
Where AMAZING happens!
The NBA... Its FANNNNNNNNtastic!
And with that bit of Shakespearian genius... its time for the last tip...
12. Oh! Those PUNdits!
"NEVER" Pass Up An Opportunity To Make A Bad Pun. NEVER! I truly believe they let these ex-player/jocks write their own headlines. Check out ESPN and you'll see them every day of the week. How clever and original they must feel. "Mavs Cool Down Heat", "Suns Scortch Knicks", "Mountaineers have tough climb", "Jets fly by Giants", "Wolves Bite Pistons". Oh... the wit! It makes my brain bleed.
And there you have it. 12 sure fire ways to fool everyone around you into thinking you have a clue about the pro game. They will not steer you wrong. Remember, you're probably smarter then the people on TV and those that listen to them in the first place. Good luck screwing up as many playoff bets and college brackets as possible. Even if you are guessing there's a pretty good chance you'll be doing the exact same thing as they are, so no harm done!
