Announcing The Unrealized Potential All Stars!

You can check the NCAA Basketball Odds and compare them to the John Hollinger Draft Projections all you want; predicting a career is nearly impossible. For the same reasons, slamming a career that didn't work out as planned is not fair. We have just heard so much talk about the present all stars, but what about the players who should have been all stars, but never fully cashed in on their potential?

They are the butts of jokes, get bad press or get no press at all. But is it all their fauls? FCP presents a loose list of the Unrealized Potential All Stars. Is someone missing? Feel free to comment below.

Starters:

Point Guard: Steve Francis

He had so much potential he was nick named 'Stevie Franchise' before he had actually proven himself. He peaked in his 3'rd year with a 21/7/6 season using his incredible athletic ability to get to the rim to dominate the entire league from the point. Unfortunately his durability was an issue and his stats would gradually decline and as pointed out in this space before, he lacked the pure skills to overcome it. Instead of carrying teams to the playoffs and the HOF, Steve became one of the worst contracts in league history. He was paid 17 million a year to play for dreadful Orlando teams and then sank the second franchise of his career (the first being the Grizzlies when he refused to play there) when he became the proverbial nail in the coffin of the Isiah Thomas era Knicks.

Shooting Guard: Drazen Petrovic

If you haven't watched the 30 For 30 documentary by Vlade Divac about his relationship with Petrovic, Once Brothers, I highly recommend it. You'll get to see more of Petrovic's incredible game that we only truly saw for two seasons with the Nets establishing himself as one of the best guards in the NBA. The following summer Petrovic was killed instantly in a car crash with his girlfriend as he was sleeping and didn't buckle his seat belt ending his life and NBA career. So hey kids, buckle up! The point is, not many basketball players are good enough to have a statue in their image made of them and Petrovic was.

Small Forward: Grant Hill

Unrealized All Star MVP

In 1995 GQ ran a special issue called "The Future Of Sports." On the cover they asked "Can Grant Hill save sports?" They counted off the 50 most important people in sports and Hill was #1. When I saw this issue on news stands did I laugh? No, it made sense. Grant Hill was bigger then basketball, he was a mega-star in the making who transcended all pro sports. And he was only a rookie. I'm not sure anyone has had more potential then Hill and he looked poised to reach it putting up triple doubles like he was ordering them in a coffee shop.

Then the injuries started. And Hill started trying to play through him to prove his toughness to Detroit's fans. Then Hill didn't play another injury free legitimate season till he was 35 years old in Phoenix. And just like that, the man who was the Future Of Sports had an insignificant career.

Power Forward: Len Bias

Len Bias never played in the NBA, but he for sure made it. That's because the night after he was selected by the Boston Celtics in the draft he overdosed on cocaine and never got to step on a court. Highlights, games, player/coach/scout testimonials all point to Len Bias being a bona fide superstar. He was going to a team with enormous talent that was ageing and would be a perfect fit to slowly take over a la Tim Duncan. It's hard to know how good he would have been, but it's easy to tell he fulfilled less potential then nearly any player in history.

Center: Greg Oden

Snap A Pic!

Oden was a monster in college. Perhaps never better exemplified then his NCAA Final game when his control of the paint kept his Ohio Buckeyes in a game they had no business in. Oden blocked or altered nearly every single shot within 10 feet. With his dominant hand broken. And in the NBA? Oden made more news when his gargantuan penis was leaked online then with his play. Injuries have kept him down and prevented him from playing anything more then bench minutes. Tragic for the man who was drafted before Kevin Durant.

Bench

Point Guard: Jay Williams

Again Kids, Safety First!

I first read about Jay Williams in an issue of Slam magazine when he was a child of 13 or 14 years old. They said watch out for this kid, so I did. And they were right. ACC Rookie Of The Year. National Freshmen Of The Year. He won the Naismith and Wooden awards as the NCAA player of the year after leading Duke to the championship game and scoring over 25 PPG. He was selected 2'nd overall after only Yao Ming.

After his rookie season Williams crashed his motorcycle into a street light and nearly lost his life. He was not wearing a helmet, or to drive a motorcycle in the state and was violating his contract by riding one. The Bulls played nice and bought him out for 3 million (when they could have given nothing, per a voided contract). Williams signed years later with the Nets, but wasa waived. Then signed with a d-league team, and again was waived.


Shooting Guard: Adam Morrison

FCP Has A Soft Spot
For Facial Hair

Like the real all star team, we are playing with positions to fit Chris Webber on. :) And Morrison could play the 2.

"The Stache" built up his potential in college where he starred at Gonzaga where he averaged 28 PPG on 50% shooting and 42% from the arc. If history is kind it will view his famous crying after his team was beaten out of the NCAA bracket as 'passionate' instead of weak and remember how he was one of the best scorers in college history. If history is kind, it also won't bring up his NBA career since it's invariably going to be misjudged. Perhaps the Larry Bird comparisons were exaggerated, but you don't get that kind of hype without having some serious game.

Morrison did not have a spectacular rookie season averaging 12 PPG, shooting under 40%. To be fair though, when he did start the majority of his games he scored over 15 PPG. What's unfair to Morrison is that while most rookies have a few years to get used to elite level basketball, Morrison blew out his knee after a merely average rookie campaign to become a severe liability. His career ended with his rookie contract. Had he not hurt his knee Morrison could have in the very least been a solid shooting role player, or, had a multiple all star ceiling.

Small Forward: Chris Webber

My Favouritism Chris Webber,
Was This Chris Webber

When I read writers slam Chris Webber's career, they bring up things like inability to take big shots. I've never understood. Chris Webber had more then just taking big shots. 'Big Shots' are a simple method writers use to spin engaging stories and compare everyone to Michael Jordan. Webber had serious game and it was more then just taking shots. How many countless games were won on Big Passes? Lots. But that's still not the issue with Webber's career.

Webber, in my mind, won one championship. I will never give credit to the Lakers for their 2003 ring because winning from cheating is not winning but stealing. Just like in court, whether you steal someone's property or are in possession of it, you're still guilty of a crime. That's still not the issue.

Webber came into the NBA by storm. He was a threat to be a top 10 player of all time. People often forget, but injuries hampered him from his second year in the league. His athleticism never fully returned or was capitalized on from his rookie days on the Warriors. He missed nearly half his second season and nearly his entire third season in the NBA due to a serious knee injury. He missed more time in 2002 due to his knee. Every time Webber lost a little of what he had. But in 2002 the camel's back finally broke and Webber lost any semblance of his promising athletic ability.

He still managed a few productive seasons on skill/talent alone after this, but eventually his career ended with an embarrassing stint playing 14 MPG where it all started on the Golden State Warriors under his first coach, Don Nelson.

Power Forward: Pervis Ellison

Never Nervous Pervis was drafted first in a 1989 draft featuring Danny Ferry, Sean Elliot, Glen Rice, Nick Anderson, Mookie Blaylock, Tim Hardaway, Dana Barros, Shawn Kemp, BJ Armstrong, Vlade Divac, Sherman Douglas and Clifford Robinson after leading Louisville to a National Championship in his second year.

When he got to the NBA, injuries already started to take their hold on him as he missed the majority of his rookie season leading Danny Ainge to dub him "Out Of Service Pervis." Once healthy and given minutes on the Bullets Ellison put up 20 PPG, 11 RPG, 2.7 BPG and shot 53% from the field to win the league's Most Improved Player award playing at a level merely expected in his rookie season. Unfortunately this was his peak and the knee injuries kept piling up till he finished his career playing 4 MPG on a 44 win Settle Supersonics team


Center: Ralph Sampson

FEAR ME, WHITE BOYS!

Sampson, if anything, was a player with limitless potential. When he and Dream put it all together, they formed a nearly unstoppable offensive and defensive force. Sampson averaged 20 PPG, 10 RPG 2 BPG and a steal over his first three Rockets seasons. When they met the defending champion Lakers in the West finals the Rockets lost the first game, and then destroyed the Lakers in 4 straight games. The series was never really close. They lost the finals in 6 games to the arguable GOAT team Celtics after which their coach, K.C. Jones, called them "The New Monsters On The Block."

The next season, Sampson suffered back and knee injuries that led to him being traded and was never the same. There is also an alleged 'nose injuries' that Sampson and his team-mates suffered. It is rumoured that from time to time, Sampson would trip in his home and mysteriously find his nostrils stuffed full of cocaine.

Utility 1: Orlando Woolridge

Woolridge's Talent Has Fallen
Through The Cracks
of NBA History

How many times have you heard someone make this 'obvious' statement.

Michael Jordan only had crap players around him for the first 7 years. Of course he didn't win with a garbage supporting cast!

I've heard it many times and it may just become the subject of another article. Why it's coming up now though is because it perfectly reflects how under-rated Orlando Woolridge has become. Woolridge never made an all star team but peaked averaging 23 PPG on 55% shooting playing 'with' Michael Jordan. He put up similar numbers the next year when Jordan was injured for most of the entire season and again on the Nets as their best player.

Then Orlando's nostrils, implanted with some kind of cocaine magnets, led to a league suspension 15 games into his next season. Cocaine like many hard drugs is actually quite clean. Within a day or two, all traces of it leaves your system. Therefore, it can only be imagined how often Orlando was likely snorting to get caught by a drug test.

He then played a role on the Lakers winning attempting and filing to win a ring. Then gave it one last shot to become a true star on the Nuggets. He almost did it too scoring 25.5 PPG with 7 RPG under "The System", Paul Westhead's offensive genius run and gun offence. For much of the season Woolridge actually led the league in scoring but it fell apart when he sustained an eye injury and missed almost half the games. He would never play over 30 MPG again and was out of the league 3 years later.

Utility 2: Sam Bowie

Retired == Promise

The historical laughing stock of the NBA draft. He's brought up as many times as the career of Michael Jordan is brought up. People call him the biggest draft mistake in history. I named my fantasy league "Sam Bowie Is The Greatest!" to commemorate the event. But was it fair?

Not really. Sam Bowie had promise. Lots of it. In his second year he averaged 17 PPG, 9 RPG and 3 blocks. A defensive center who's also an efficient scorer == wins in the NBA. Especially 'that' NBA of the 80's. People expected Bowie to partner with Clyde Drexler for one of the  most potent inside outside teams in the NBA. Instead Bowie was never able to take off. He peaked out with a 17 PPG 10 RPG 2 BPG season but spent an entire career re-injuring and rehabbing.

There you have it. The Unrealized Potential All Stars! Additions? Hate? Love? Post it in the comments below.

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The Semi-Complete List Of Shaq Getting Dunked On

Shaqtus Made A Living Doing This

By: The Pest

Lets be honest about Shaquille O'Neal for a moment. He is easily one of the most dominant, powerful and ridiculous forces the NBA, or any sport, has ever seen. I personally think Dream is the superior center, but Shaq is not a poor choice if you're talking about his pure and absolute peak.

Speaking to hard core Shaq fans though will oft yield this argument for Shaq as a defender.

Have you ever seen shaq get dunked on or someone take him one on one and punish him like he did to everyone else? Shaq has never been dunked on.

Maybe not often, but I've heard it enough times from enough people to write an article about it. I think it's crazy. It's the NBA. Everyone dunks. Everyone gets dunked on. Even Shaq. So sure to generate mass unpopularity, here is the complete list of you tube dunks over Diesel. Admittedly, Shaq didn't get dunked on much, and since he played nearly his entire career before You Tube, even fewer exist in that medium.

Now, for this no one dunks on Shaq claim. I don't know where his fans get this. Here's a short collection, and these are only the ones that make it to you tube. PS: If anyone has more clips please send them along and we will gladly include them with credit.

Bynum dunks on Shaq's pride: 

Funderburke/Robinson:

 

Derrick Coleman Just Posterizes Him:

 

Rueben Patterson Does The Same: 

 

Elton Brand:

 

Zo:

 

Arvydas Sabonis:

 

Howard dunks on Shaq's floppy pride ("Like an elephant gun took him down"):

 

 

Jason Terry:

    

Jordan:

 

Webber:

 

 Vlade Divac: Now after that sweet pass you might say "yea, Divac was afraid of Shaq", But no, watch THIS clip, when Divac retaliates after a blatant non-call when Shaq was getting bailed out by officials (edit: My mistake here, Vlade just goes by Shaq on the dunk over Walker. Got them mixed up cuz of the title of the vid and Walker's 52 being similar to Shaq's 32 from the rest of his career. But he was 34 in LA of course. But I'll leave this dunk in just for it's pure sweetness. :) )

 

You know, after watching that Divac dunk, I really don't think Shaq's fans can ever say no one has ever dunked on him again. Vlade, sometimes the poster boy for soft centers, took it right at him and stuffed it down his throat. That dunk is ridiculous! (edit: still ridiculous, but it's downgraded from a facial stuff on Shaq to just a 'weak dunk on Shaq')

In conclusion, I really don't mean to be down on Shaq. He's obviously one of the most dominant players in history. But statements like "Shaq has never been dunekd on" make him sound like he's just beyond reproach. Remember that Shaq has never led the league in blocked shots or rebounding, Hakeem handed him his ass in the finals, and that yes, Shaq has been dunked on.

12 Ways To Fake Being A PRO Basketball Expert!!

A Doughnut ExpertAt first glance it appears difficult to be a basketball expert. There are plenty of famous pundits on TV who speak very confidently and loudly as if they come from a place of great authority. Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, Chris Webber, Gary Payton. Just a few famous names you see on NBA broadcasts.

Don't overlook one fact... most basketball pundits are former basketball players and while they were undoubtedly better then us average joes at using their muscles to play the game, being an expert is a thinking man's game. You're undoubtedly better at using the muscle over your shoulders.

You've already met lots of their counterparts during your own life. While most of them were banging cheerleaders in high school you were developing the tools that prevented your career by the fry cooker hearing them talk about the glory days when they were 17. The difference upstairs between these guys who make it and that guy now serving you drinks is not a large stretch.

Just follow these tips and you'll be wowing people with your incredible basketball knowledge in no time. Without further adieu, one tip for each player on a b-ball team.


1. Know All The High School Players

Know everyone who jumped from high school to the pros and didn't play NCAA basketball. This one is imperative (you'll find out why in step 2) and easy because the list is relatively small. KG, Kobe, Lebron, Amare will cover nearly all conversations you intend to impress in. Knowing guys like Leon Smith (who went crazy) or Kwame Brown (who was the first #1 HS pick, and was a bust) will get you extra points but aren't necessary.

Can You Tell The Difference?
Its not difficult to know all the foreign players either. They're all the ones with funny names and stylish hair. If you hear someone with a funny name, say, Petrovich, or Galinari or if you have trouble spelling their name when you hear it, better just to avoid talking about them. This is really an important step to faking because the holy grail of faking basketball expertise is next. No funny name? Lack of great looking almost homosexual hair? Their name is something like Smith, or Williams? You're ready for step two. Jump right into the conversation and say...

2. "Man, I Remember When"

Under any and all circumstances, when a player is mentioned, speak up loudly stating "Man, that guy, I remember when he played in College. He tore it UP!" Now you know why step 1 is so important. If you don't know who went from high school to the pros you can get nailed by someone else with a "You idiot, KG didn't play in college!" Major loss of cred and double depressing because you just made someone else, who may also be faking, look really smart because he followed step 1 instead of you.

The beauty part of this line is that you don't have to know anything else. No one will 'ever' ask you for details of what you remember in college. There are so many NCAA teams its not expected for you to remember where almost anyone played. No one ever watches anything but march and its so many games at once no one ever remembers who played each other or what happened. If you do know something make sure to throw it in there for Jedi Master level respect. Anyone who knows some details about college players must be an expert, right?

"Man, Melo and Macnamera. The Orange were unstoppable that year. Over rated? I don't think so!" People will be so intimidated by the mere mention of details regarding a college event that entire rooms of people will start nodding their heads in agreement hoping that others think they know what you are talking about and they will look like YOU, an expert.

3. Pick A Player To Love

Every expert has one player they devote themselves to unconditionally. Every fake expert should have one too. Its not relevant who you pick so long as once you choose the recipient of your new man-love you refuse to budge on any interpretation of his behavior that does not fall under spectacular, amazing or divinely guided.

So long as they score lots of points they will have easy to defend stats. The axiom of basketball talent evaluation is: if you score more points per game, you 'are' the better player. This makes hyping your favorite easy. Great examples: Dwayne Wade (29.9) > Lebron James (28.6) > Kobe Bryant (27.7) > Tim Duncan (19.8). You can have a few players reach this status, however not too many because...

4. More Importantly Pick A Player To HATE.


Solid hate bait: you'll have lots of friendsOnce they've earned your hatred be sure to never waver. Your hatred of players must exceed your love or people in this game just don't take you seriously. Scoring titles, MVPs, championships or all star nods; anything this player does is craptacular. It should be noted that your list of players you hate is more effective if its larger then the list of players you love.

An expert, you see, is always very picky and judgmental about who meets their high standards. If you're critical of a player who's obviously really, really good it must mean you know something they and everyone else does not. Thus, you are a more credible and discerning expert. The logic follows: the larger list of greats you think stink simply varies directly with the list of reasons you know what your talking about. Gary Payton, one of the best defensive point guards to ever play HATES Rajon Rondo, the best defensive point guard to play today. Coincidence? I think not!

Good examples of players to pick to hate: Kobe, Gilbert Arenas, Vince Carter, Ron Artest, Stephon Marbury, Bruce Bowen. (see how my hate list is longer?)

Historical hate list all star: Karl Malone.

5. When In Doubt, Get Bullish.

There is no more powerful tool in ballshitting then Michael Jordan. Despite the fact that Jordan will land on the love OR hate list of every single basketball expert alive no expert will ever attempt to argue against an MJ comparison. Many the Kobe super-fan pundit has been roasted trying to compare the two.

Two methods of getting bullish exist. The first is to reference cliche Jordan quotes as if they were your own fantastic insights. Slip in a "Defense wins championships", "I was looking for a new challenge" or any reference to the importance of fundamentals and lesser competition shrink in the face MJ's fierce 'competitiveness'. They won't suspect for a moment it's actually your discrete laziness at work.

The second method is to bait your adversary into making a statement about a player or team that is general in any sense so you can turn it into a historical comparison to MJ and the Bulls.

Observe:

Casual Fan: "Did you see LA hand it to the Celtics and the Cavs last week? "

Expert: (to self: man, what do I do, I LOVE Lebron and the Celtics and HATE Kobe. Those games were excruciating to watch.) "Yea, I saw some of it. The highlights looked decent. How did they play? "

Casual Fan: "Man, this Lakers team is amazing!"

Expert: "You think so huh? Why's that? (<- the bait)" Casual Fan: "Yea man. Kobe is unstoppable."

Expert: "Unstoppable? He might be good but I wouldn't say unstoppable. There's no way he would ever win a 7 game series against the Bulls and MJ. People just hype him up because the competition is weak like his fundamentals."

Casual Fan: "Yea, I guess you're right.... that must be why you're the expert."

That's right. No one beats the bulls. No one is possibly better then MJ... even if he's not playing anymore. You, are an 'expert'. QED.

6. Know How To Pick A Winner

By that I don't mean picking who you think will win. Faced with two teams look no further then their records. Pick who has more W's. This is a fail safe basketball experts hold near and dear to their hearts. If your pick loses you can always fall back on the record backing up your choice and praise team B as lucky to get the win. If they win you can arrogantly state that team B never had a chance anyway.

When it comes time to open your mouth and hide the fact that you are only picking the higher number, defend your 'ideas' with step 7...

7. Develop A Few Go To Basketball Phrases

They don't say much but just sound like they do. Its so easy to slam a team using abstract phrases that skirt around any details. There's a variety of approaches so if someone in a conversation uses one of them just pick another and come on stronger till they wilt. Lets say two people are talking about the Cavs/Heat game coming up. Execute a two pronged attack.

The Setup:

Make sure to throw out a phony statement or two to act like you spent time really considering the team you're about to rip on.

"Yea, the heat have really earned a reputation as fighters this season..."

"Gotta say, the Cavs looks great on paper..."

"What people don't realize is how great the coaching for Miami is..."

"The Cavs really had some bounce in their step at the shoot around today..."

The Slam:

This is usually pretty easy. You just find some way to state that the other team's best player, ie: highest scoring player, will negate any of these good aspects you just put out there.


Is this 'man' an expert?!?!"... but they can't stop Lebron from getting into the paint."

"...but they just have no way to contain Dwayne Wade at the end of the game."

"...but they seem to really have problems defending Lebron in the pick and roll."

"...but you have to wonder about the schedule they've been on, there's been no Wade calibre players."

Just remember, what you lack in specifics you make up for with authority. So the louder you speak and the more you flail around (like this expert on the right, seriously!!) the more people will think you're actually getting excited about something real instead of just making shit up.

7. Learn To Hate The NBA And It's Officials

This is a critical step on the journey of any basketball expert: real or fictional. At any juncture your credibility as an expert can be expounded on by mentioning how the NBA is fixed by David Stern and/or it's refs. Seeing as how one of their boys in black and white was indited for working with the mob to fix games its not a difficult case to make.


Note 'Fredo Style' facial expression Some cliches that will assist you in the task are as follows:

"The only reason the Lakers won their titles was the Refs. The Kings and/or Blazers were robbed!"

"How could Phoenix win when they suspended Amare? The Suns were robbed!"

"David Stern? Everyone knows he fixed the draft lottery when the Knicks got Ewing. The entire league was ROBBED!">

Learn these and a few more shady situations with the refs. One of them even challenged Tim Duncan to a fight in the parking lot once and the NBA assigned him to ref a Spurs playoff game a year after. Fish in a barrel, see what I mean? You'll have people looking to you for advice on their fantasy teams in no time.

8. Learn A Few Famous Moments To Reminisce With Hardcore Fans

This is a gimme. If you can loosely quote the commentator or reference a few watershed moments around fans or a particular player or team, you're 'in' like spandex during the 80's. The key here is to wait for someone else to bring up the topic so you can look knowledgeable when you complete their thoughts with the correct emotive response. They'll be so taken with the mention of their personal experience they won't even notice you don't know jack squat about hoop. Upon any mention of:

Chris Webber: say enthusiastically "Time out time out!". Michigan/Webber fans will be crushed into submission that you know their dark secret and say nothing or change the topic as quickly as possible.

Allen Iverson: say sarcastically with a drawl "Practice!?!?"

Lakers: say fondly "Man, Magic's baby hook baby"

Celtics: say joyfully "Havlicek stole the ball!" (extra points if you say Henderson with a wink)

Bulls: say as if you had a mouth full of marbles "A spectacular move by Jordan"

Ders Crazy In Dem Dere Eyes!
Lattrel Spreewell: say sardonically "Hey, my family's gotta eat. I can't choke them!"

Karl Malone: say like your IQ is in the 80's "I'm the MVP!"

Ron Artest: punch the person in the face and say "Sorry, thought you threw a beer at me." Use 'crazy eyes' for extra points.

Clippers: say dejectedly "Uh, why am I a Clippers fan anyway?"

9. Overstate Championship Experience

It just doesn't matter that 5 of the last 10 NBA champions never made the finals before. It also doesn't matter that 11 of the last 20 NBA finalists never made the finals before. And that does not even include Kobe's new team last year that was totally different sans Shaq or Spurs sans Robinson. What does matter is championship experience!


What Experience Did For Magic In The Finals...
The rule follows as such: if two teams are being compared always say the one who made the finals or won them are better because of their 'experience'. The fact they made the finals is not only an indicator they are among the most talented teams and are winning because of that. No sir! Its the 'magical' experience.

You'll hear plenty of pundits overstate how the Spurs have the experience advantage this year which makes it a great statement to hide your lack of knowledge behind cuz everyone else is saying it too.

When a younger team takes down the experienced team express shock and awe that they didn't win the game/series. When the Spurs knocked the champion Shaq/Kobe Lakers out of the playoffs in the second round, Bill Walton's confidence in LA's experience induced him to call it "The Greatest Win In Spurs History!" even though 4 years earlier they won the title. The disbelief in his voice... genuine shock.

You may want to break out the 'passing the torch' cliche for this event. It couples greatly with always giving the edge to the team with the better record. When you pick the team that won before AND has the best record no one will dare challenge your ability to repeat obvious statements you heard on TV or read on-line.

10. Dumpster Dive For Bench Players

Anyone can be a basketball expert. As I'm saying, anyone can fake it. But only 'real' experts have the innate ability to tell who the 'good yet still crappy' players are. Right? Wrong! There are a few approaches to selecting who will be the recipient of your gracious praise for playing limited minutes in garbage time.

• The safe approach: Pick an aging veteran who has a rich history but can't play to save his life due to 4 knee reconstructions and 32 STDs. This is the easy out as you can wax poetic about the player they used to be and even still get excited when they get inserted into a playoff game and knock down a wide open shot or two to win a game. Guys like Jerry Stackhouse, Robert Horry and Michael Finley are great examples of players pundits have ridden to historic careers of blabbing bullshit.

• The Fan Favorite: This guy is a truly crappy player whom a stadium's fans will cheer hysterically for any time they actually manage to score a point or make a play that doesn't result in a turnover. They'll even get ovations merely for being checked into a game. Brian Scalenbrine, Mark Madsen and Matt Bullard are all players fans have connected with because after watching them play live they realize that someone on the floor actually has comparable basketball skills to themselves and form a special connection. Its a beautiful thing.
  

• The Energy/Defense Guy: You can spot this player when the team is down 20 in the fourth diving into old/pregnant women's bosoms for loose balls. Everyone knows he's got very little talent. But he knows that almost all NBA players are mailing in an 82 game season before anything they care about is on the line. So he can have a role in the league working his butt off to frustrate the Vince Carters of the world. Sometimes an energy guy gets credit for being a 'defensive ace'. Bruce Bowen's PR guy has managed to pull off transforming drop kicking players into DPOY nominations. Sometimes he just turns out to be a Pape Sow/Amundson. For sentimental reasons he's a great choice cuz at least he tries.

11. Learn The Brutal NBA PR Slogans

'Every' NBA expert loves to sarcastically quote the NBA PR campaigns and so should you! Should always be delivered with a sense of irony, a tongue in the cheek and a wink in the eye roll. They are:

Don't Worry Little Fella: The NBA Cares about someone (psst:he's on your sign)

The NBA Cares (about money)

I love this game!

There Can Only Be One!

Where AMAZING happens!

The NBA... Its FANNNNNNNNtastic!

And with that bit of Shakespearian genius... its time for the last tip...

12. Oh! Those PUNdits!

"NEVER" Pass Up An Opportunity To Make A Bad Pun. NEVER! I truly believe they let these ex-player/jocks write their own headlines. Check out ESPN and you'll see them every day of the week. How clever and original they must feel. "Mavs Cool Down Heat", "Suns Scortch Knicks", "Mountaineers have tough climb", "Jets fly by Giants", "Wolves Bite Pistons". Oh... the wit! It makes my brain bleed.

And there you have it. 12 sure fire ways to fool everyone around you into thinking you have a clue about the pro game. They will not steer you wrong. Remember, you're probably smarter then the people on TV and those that listen to them in the first place. Good luck screwing up as many playoff bets and college brackets as possible. Even if you are guessing there's a pretty good chance you'll be doing the exact same thing as they are, so no harm done!